Being

Everything we see, or experience leaves an impression on our being… is it positive or negative, and does it balance out over time?

As I’ve descended into the depths of suicidal ideation and intent over the last few months; these sorts of questions, have played on my mind. I questioned why I was here, what my purpose was, and how far I had fallen short of meeting any expectations – my own, and my perception of what others expected of me. I could say that I was caught in the thinking, but I wasn’t… I was still working, existing, and being “normal”. However, everything was very superficial, and in the moment. I had no concept of anything long-term, and all I felt was the confusing extremes of nothingness, or utter chaos.

Earlier this week, I had to go to Wellington for a conference. Not only was the conference in the city where my father lives, but it was going to force me to interact with a group of strangers for long periods of time without any downtime. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back; all of the emotions that I’d been bottling up from the different stressors over the last few months, came bubbling to the surface. In my rather typical fashion, I didn’t tell anyone what the problem was; instead, I descending into mute chaos, unable to even pin-point what was going on. All I knew, was that I had to go to Wellington, and that going to Wellington was going to be the place where I tried to destroy myself – either physically, or psychologically. There was so much rage at the thought of being in Wellington, that I was barely able to function.

Most people would have tried to avoid going to the conference. Most people would have tried to communicate with their therapist about what was causing the chaos, especially after asking for an emergency session because things were out of control. Not I. Nope. I sat there, almost mute. Allison tried to encourage me to talk. I shut down further. She tried different techniques to try to encourage me to open up, and I dismissed them. All I could do was scream internally, and not say a word until the very end of the session, when I mentioned that I wouldn’t be seeing her at the usual time because I was going to be in Wellington at a conference. A nice parting cry for help… too little, too late.

I went into the weekend, planning my own demise. It was going to be spectacular!

Possibly the only reason why those plans weren’t carried through, was that a friend I hadn’t talked to in a while contacted me. Thankfully, they know me well enough to understand my warped codes… my signals of distress… the warning signs that I was planning something very bad. They pushed through their own problems, and forced me to confront my own. They tried to be a voice of reason, when I wasn’t prepared to hear anyone, or anything. They listened to my rants about no one understanding… countering my rant with simple questions regarding how I was communicating. They know me all too well… I can walk out of a conversation sure that I had said A, B, and C; only to realise that I might have said A, B, and C… but it was buried amongst the rest of the alphabet in such a way that there is no way that anyone would be able to understand what I was really trying to say.

As part of this interaction, I wrote one of the most honest emails I’d written in a long time. I laid out how out of control things were, what had caused the chaos, and the reasons why I had been slowly withdrawing from everything for months. I tried to show how much I was failing at everything, and that I could see no reason to keep on going. I thought I laid it all out very nicely… my friends counter point was that I wasn’t a quitter, so why was I quitting now. It seemed a pretty weak argument. It didn’t change my plans for self-destruction. I flew to Wellington with everything set.

What I hadn’t counted on, was the quiet determination of my friend. There were texts to see how I was. Often arriving at a point when I was about to jump off the metaphorical cliff. Those seemingly simple acts kept that part of my brain that seems determined to heal, somewhere nearby.

I honestly don’t know how I made it through the conference. There were triggers everywhere… crowds, noise, alcohol, hotels… and one of the worst… a former team leader. A woman who seems to know exactly how to push my buttons in a way that will tear me apart without thought. This time around was no different. My colleagues and I met her outside our hotel, as she was waiting for someone to come and pick her up. She greeted us with a smile, and then said that she had recognised me because of the tattoo on my right shoulder-blade. As this tattoo is quite low, I said that I was surprised that she could see it… she said she could just see the top of it, and then grabbed my jacket and blouse, pulling them down to expose my back, and show everyone what she had seen. This invasion of my personal space was too much. I immediately dissociated, and lost the rest of the night… in one move, she had shown that my personal space was meaningless, and could be invaded at any moment without consent.

So now I sit, having made it through the conference in one piece, despite my best efforts. I’m left wondering where to next. I sent the email to my friend, to Allison as well. On Thursday we had a very difficult session. She admitted that she didn’t understand my code. I told her I was difficult, and that every other therapist I’ve seen has said the same thing. She read things in the email that she had no idea about. All I could do was mention how difficult I am to work with. I hide. I avoid. I cloak unbearable pain in pretty words and say them as if they were nothing. When she doesn’t understand, I take that to mean that the unbearable pain is indeed nothing. So, I withdraw even further.

Yes, I am difficult. I would hate to be the therapist that tries to help me heal. Part of me thinks that this is Allison’s way of easing me out the door. Another part of me thinks that the fear of that, is a good distraction from having to deal with the pain of what happened in Wellington, and what led up to it.

Time will tell. Time will tell if it really is worth the pain of being.

—————-
Now playing: Counting Crows – Round Here
via FoxyTunes

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32 thoughts on “Being

  1. Hi CG,

    As one of your new friends, I was shocked and upset to receive more details about the time around and during your trip to Wellington.

    Firstly, I am so sorry and angry about the interaction with the woman who was a one-time team leader for you. What she did amounts to nothing less than interpersonal violence! She deserved a punch square in the face followed by a demeaning expletive. Not that I, nor you, would probably carry that out, but these kinds of people do occasionally get such “feedback” from the universe … and this feedback is useful. One of the major questions is, how do we protect ourselves from such people? Because there are many of them, and it is *very disappointing* — and often painful — when we lose time or energy to such forces.

    Secondly … I am SO glad for the serendipity of your friend’s appearance in your situation. I am so thankful for their kind guidance and gentle challenges. So thankful for their “quiet determination.” How do the stars strangely align at times like these?

    I can tell you one thing that you have within you … something that is yours … that plays a role in these celestial configurations. And that thing is, you have qualities which enlist others to be by your side. We all have this quality in amounts ranging from zero to lots. Us therapist people feel more secure when we recognize it in our clients, because it means that they have qualities which will draw assistance and attention from others. They have an inherent ability to get others to work for them. This is a big reason why your friend appeared. It has to do with you, and your qualities. Believe it or not, those qualities pave the way for such noticing, such attention, such connection.

    I know that in part you might brush aside these words of mine. After all, you have experienced such deep isolation. At times, wondering whether you will ever connect to another living thing, ever again. I know better than to argue … especially with someone as formidable as yourself. However, I do know one thing … I am one of those people who have noticed you, and you have won me over, as well. That is about you, CG. About you.

    Thanks … and please take care,
    Michael

    • Hi Michael,

      My former team leader has always known how to destroy me, and has done so willingly over the years. Little jabs were her usual style, but this invasion of my space was a step up, even for her. Although I would love to have had the ability to react in any other way than dissociating, this woman is also rather influential within the small NZ library community, so any reaction would have to be considered carefully. Sort of sounds like an abuse of power, doesn’t it?

      What got me, was until that point, I had been doing alright that day. I’d joked with people, been able to eat, heard some really interesting people talk about their interests with passion… I was actually feeling really grounded. Then, in one move, it was gone.

      I’m really lucky to have the friends that I do. Many of them are in different time zones to me, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t care about each other, and want to help where we can. The friend that I refer to within this post has a mix of gentleness, and ability to be straight with me if there is a hint that I’m not being totally upfront with them, or myself.

      While I can understand your third paragraph totally, and know what you mean… the idea of someone seeing me terrifies me. I don’t know if I can say that without sounding ungrateful. I am grateful, it’s just the past messages, and the present colliding.

      Thank you…

      Take care,
      CG

    • Michael wrote: “What she did amounts to nothing less than interpersonal violence! She deserved a punch square in the face followed by a demeaning expletive. Not that I, nor you, would probably carry that out, but these kinds of people do occasionally get such β€œfeedback” from the universe … and this feedback is useful.”

      *giggles* I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll hit her and kick her (like the pony taught me how) and I’ll bite her (like my dog taught me how). And, I got all kinds of swear words up in my head (that my mom taught me).

      CG, I had an abusive boss. She eventually lost her job, which was everything to her. It was public and I’m sure intensely embarrassing for her. *giggles* Karma. That lady’ll get hers!

      • Hi rl,

        I was talking to Allison about this today, and she said a really interesting thing… people like this woman will happily press charges against anyone at the slightest provocation… so she thought I was right in my reserved approach, but what she wants is for me to be able to say “please don’t touch me” or “please respect my personal space”. It’s a tough situation to deal with… bullies don’t like people standing up to them.

        I’m glad your abusive boss was removed from that position of power.

        Take care,
        CG

  2. It is always good to have a friend like that and I am sorry Wellington made you feel so bad. There are nice people down here too :)I hope things are better now you are at home.

    I am sure as a therapist Allison may find it frustrating, but also rewarding to help out the difficult clients. If she only took on clients with easily solved issues I would doubt she would get far as a therapist.

    • Hi Ringonz,

      I really do love Wellington. I lived there for a few years, and driving home from work while glimpsing at the dolphins in the bay is something I’ll always treasure. Also, where else can you eat at a Chinese restaurant that is playing western Christmas carols, has Indian prints on the walls, and chandeliers πŸ™‚

      You’re right about Allison, and all therapists. But if this is a therapeutic fit issue, where we will never understand each other, then it’s the beginning of the end. Will see.

      Take care,
      CG

  3. What a tough time you have had! I am glad that you had friends to look after you and that you were eventually able to discuss some of it with your T. When things are bad, it is so difficult to even remotely see that they can be better. Hang in there.
    Lothlorien

    • Hi Lothlorien,

      It’s been difficult, but I made it through πŸ™‚ Yes, I was very lucky to have someone who was able to help, and that I allowed them to help.

      Thanks for the words of encouragement… Your latest post was another reason to have hope, as I could see how far you have come. That was encouraging to read.

      Take care,
      CG

  4. ((hugs)) CG, I was so sorry to read your post and how difficult a time you’ve been having, though I confess I’m not surprised. I am really, really, REALLY glad you made it through. And really, really, REALLY glad you allowed someone to help you.

    I’m also really sorry about your former team leader. She is clearly clueless. The good thing is that you don’t have to deal with her on a daily basis anymore.

    I also think you might have put into words how I’m feeling at the moment: “the confusing extremes of nothingness, or utter chaos.” Yep, I get that.

    I’m sure you’re not half as “difficult” as you think. If you were “easy”, you wouldn’t be seeing Allison, or anyone really. She’s there for you, just as your online and irl friends are. This one included. πŸ˜‰

    Please take gentle care at this time. ((hugs))

    • Hi Kerro,

      Thanks πŸ™‚

      The thing is, I think she’s more than clueless… she knows how she effects me, and she uses that knowledge. So it’s deliberate. I think that because she doesn’t do this sort of thing to everyone. She is also rather good at manipulating others, and being charming when she needs to be… but then, she can turn smilingly nasty.

      The extremes are the worst aren’t they? I know that you’ve been going through so much this past year alone… I hope things ease up for you soon. I know that might not be possible, but it’s a hope.

      Oh yes, I’m difficult – even the friend who was helping me has said so on numerous occasions πŸ™‚ They say that I’m not “too difficult”, which is how I put it; and try to soften it into being “complicated” or some such wording… but yeah, I’m difficult. You should try talking to me for any length of time… it’s maddening!

      Take care,
      CG

  5. I’m sorry that I can’t write a lot. This woman who hurt you is really awful and bad. Such people frighten us and there are so many of them 😦 They cause pain, harm, chaos and that’s one reason why we want to be invisible. If you are invisible, no one can hurt you. I don’t know how we can protect us from such people. I really don’t know. It’s safer to be invisible. Isn’t it?
    Take care, you all and warm safe hugs to all who want them (((())))

    • Hi LostShadowChild,

      I’m always grateful to hear from you, and know that it means you have the ability to do some work on Polyvore, or maybe write a little πŸ™‚

      Thankfully I don’t have to work with that woman anymore. Yes, there are nasty people out there… but there are also some really nice people, who are willing to help. I would do anything that I could to help you, and I know there are many others – even complete strangers, who are willing to help. Awhile ago, there was a case in New Zealand where a man who ran to help a woman who was being attacked… and that was just the case that made the news. So there are good people out there – just like the friend that I mention in this post, and just like you πŸ™‚

      As for how we can protect ourselves from these people… well I think that the reason this woman picks on me, is because she can sense that I’m hurt and will take it. She’s a bully. So my best defence is to heal. That is how we can help to protect ourselves… be confident and show that we will not be messed with. I know it won’t stop all of the hurting, as even confident people can be hurt, but it’s another step.

      I know what you mean about being invisible… I really do. Being invisible was, and is, my way of life. But another friend told me a long time ago, that if I’m invisible, then I’m invisible to the people who can help me… It’s scary being seen. It terrifies me. But this past week, if I hadn’t been seen by my friend, I probably wouldn’t be here. So being seen can help. It’s all very confusing and painful…

      Please take care, and with (((warm safe hugs))) to all who want them,
      CG

  6. CG,

    Relate very much to this “In my rather typical fashion, I didn’t tell anyone what the problem was; instead, I descending into mute chaos, unable to even pin-point what was going on.” Our therapist’s efforts to get us to talk also seem to send us even further into mutism. No insight, but lots of empathy. Hear your deep pain, not sure we have much more to offer right now, other than to bear witness to your suffering, and let you know we’re here too, and care about you.

    Take gentle care,
    Bay

    • Hi Bay,

      I often wonder why I’m struck mute… sometimes it’s because I want to say something so much, that I get myself caught up in knots… sometimes I want to say something, but there’s also something holding me back – shame, nervousness, confusion… sometimes I’m worried about what others will think of what I say… sometimes I literally can’t speak, as it feels as if I either can’t breathe, or my voice has gone…

      It’s all so confusing and frustrating. I’m so sorry that you get this too…

      Please take care,
      CG

      • CG, I understand and relate to this so deeply. I’ve gone sessions without speaking. It’s like I get trapped inside myself. I have no voice. Sometimes I can’t find words -they just aren’t there. I’ll have thoughts but as soon as I think them the words I need to speak them disappear. Other times I know what I want to say and I have the words to say it, but I feel like the breathe I need to make myself speak isn’t inside me. It’s a terribly painful and frightening and frustrating feeling. I hate that anyone else knows how this feels, but it’s kind of nice knowing I’m not alone in this particular struggle. ~rl

        • The frustrating is incredible, isn’t it? So annoying, and just “so…”

          You’re not alone in this struggle rl, I’m told that communication is one of the most challenging aspects of recovery for survivors.

          Take care,
          CG

  7. CG, here’s my to-do-list in my head:

    1)safely hug the friend of yours who helped you stay with us.
    2)punch you former team leader in her bitchy face (sorry for the language)
    3)Give you whatever your favorite dessert in the whole wide world is because you made it through all of those triggers and stresses.
    4)go back and safely hug your friend again.
    5)then come and hang out with you and rejoice that you’re here.

    That’s what I’d like to do anyway. I have to say that I will be forever grateful to your friend. I mean that.

    Not to in any way downplay what they did, I wonder if a part of you would have stepped forward to prevent you from carrying out your plan. My therapist has told me that this is why I’ve never been able to go all the way with my own plans. Something always stops me by stepping forwards and making sure that someone knows I need help.

    With Allison, I think it was really great that you sent her that email. And I don’t think you’re difficult. saying that you’re difficult is a way to blame yourself and make it sound like you can’t be helped. That’s not true. Your circumstances are unique to you and your methods for coping are what you’ve had to do to survive. It’s good for Allison to finally hear about this. It might usher in a new time for you both in your healing process.

    I was also thinking about the mute part and all I could think of was that I’m aware of having some younger parts that are incapable of speaking. I’ve never told my therapist about them. Maybe that’s part of it in your case? I don’t know. I do think that there are many, meany reasons for you to feel unable to speak.

    CG, you’ve been through hell these last few months and you came through it. Be proud of yourself for that and take things slow ok?

    I’m sending mushy thoughts so just deal with it πŸ˜› *grin*

    • Hi tb,

      Funny you should mentions desserts, because there is this amazing restaurant in Wellington called Strawberry Fare that specialises in desserts. They do the most yummy Banaffi pie πŸ™‚

      It’s possible that it would have been stopped anyway, I’m not sure. I did try to ask for help prior, but it was in a very indirect way.

      I have been told that I’m too difficult for an individual therapist to cope with, so it’s not like I’m plucking the term out of mid-air… I saw Allison today, and it feels like we’re talking past each other, but I don’t know how much of that is my overall disconnection with the world.

      Will see…

      Thanks and take care,
      CG πŸ™‚

      • CG, I have to wonder if whomever said you were too difficult for an individual therapist to cope with was thinking more of him/herself. It was an incredibly rude, insensitive and damaging remark to make.

        Perhaps there are many therapists with the training and experience to help you. What defines a “difficult” patient? Were they suggesting you see a team of therapists -like you and a panel of therapists every session?

        I understand sometimes a patient needs to move on from one therapist to another as they deal with various issues and/or their needs change. But, I’m at a loss as to understanding why anyone would suggest you, or any patient, is too difficult. I would think most of us -with severe mental illness and/or trauma backgrounds- are difficult. We’ve been/continue to go through hell.

        • Hi rl,

          Yes, when I told Allison about being told I was too difficult by Liz (former therapist), she said that it was more of an indication of Liz’s abilities, rather than anything to do with me. At times I can believe that, and at times I turn it all on myself.

          I live in a fairly small city, so my options for therapists is pretty small. I’ve seen the ones who mention that they are familiar with dissociation. If Allison was to terminate our therapeutic relationship, then I wouldn’t really have anywhere to turn.

          Take care,
          CG

  8. Your former team leader is without a doubt a bully, and has made you a target. What she did to you was very wrong… and she *knew* it. There’s no question in my mind that she knew precisely how to publicly humiliate you. I’m so sorry that happened.

    I’m very, very grateful that your friend cared for your wellbeing enough to persistently connect with you during that difficult time. It’s not easy to find friends who recognize when you’re in an emotionally fragile and dangerous place. It’s even more special when they care enough to follow through with quiet tenaciousness.

    I understand how it feels to make that desperate call to a therapist for an emergency session only to be rendered frozen and speechless once there. For me, it’s so humiliating to make that desperate call in the first place. By the time I arrive to my appointment, I can’t find the words to express myself, or as you mention…. something holds me back. So I find myself stoically sitting before her, while screaming with fear on the inside. It’s very frustrating indeed.

    I don’t know Allison… but as far as you being a difficult client, I want to believe that she is up for the challenge. She’s learning more and more through every session that she has with you, and she most likely appreciates what she’s learning from you.

    My therapist told me about a year ago that I was one of the most frustrating patients she has ever treated… much for the very same reasons that you describe. The avoidance, isolation, withdrawing, hiding, as well as disguising terrible pain in words that are more appealing.
    (you describe this so well, CG). Anyway, she told me that “I keep her on her toes”, and that she appreciates the challenge and opportunity. She’s human, and she is learning everyday what works for me, and what doesn’t work for me.

    So hang in there, stay strong, and lean on those friends who know how special and kind you are. It means as much to them as it does to you. You are so worth it. πŸ™‚

    Take care ~ Mareeya

    • Hi Mareeya,

      Yes, I’m sure that my former team leader knew exactly what she was doing. I’m sure she gets some perverse pleasure out of it…

      The friend wasn’t persistent, but they were “there”. It was an odd feeling. I’m not used to it, and there was some annoyance at their presence… but also gratitude. It’s odd, I never expect anyone to be there for me, but feel awful if I’m not there for someone else. I know that’s pretty typical for survivors, but it is still an odd feeling. To have someone there was odd… yet, my mother has flown up to help me with little notice, so it’s not the first time it’s happened.

      Yes, the frustration is incredible. But I think the frustration just adds to our inability to speak. I noticed it today during the session.

      I don’t know if she’s learning anything, or just hoping that there’ll be some miraculous break-through, and I’ll be able to be present and talk to her. I feel sorry for the poor woman. I’m probably driving her to drink.

      Thank you… I hope you know that you are worth it too. That you are an incredible person.

      Take care,
      CG

  9. Hi CG!
    Been such a long time. I pulled away from writing on my blog for a long time now…I am switching alot and very busy inside and in life. Just haven’t had time. I may start again…just taking one day at a time.
    That team leader that did that to you is an idiot! She is one of those people in life that obviously doesn’t consider others before her attention seeking outbursts! AND those are all about HER with really little to do with others…her way of getting attention and being at the center of the group. AND an obvious display of her ability to ignore other’s personal boundries and get away with it. UGH is all I can say on this one. I’m angry at her for being careless with your boundries and then causing you to withdraw and dissociate. Dumb bitch she was.
    Have you become really aware of why you went through this series of pain because of your trip? I am curious about this? Is it because your Dad lives there or is there more to it? Since it’s over now maybe you feel safe to go back over it and try to gather more details and insight? Just a thought.
    I still hear and sense your hesitance with Allison. I identify with it in many ways. Many of my parts are not satisfied that my T has proven himself to them yet. My adult parts are in full trust of my T…my teenage parts don’t trust adults and then my littles want to play with him to see if he likes them. Since childlike play doesn’t happen with my T and never has…the little ones aren’t really comfortable. They only go because I drag them. The teenager parts just shut down…they do this best. But with so many parts…how can a therapist prove themselves to this crowd within and make them all happy with him? I don’t know how anyone could accomplish that unless my parts were committed and really wanted to trust him. I find my parts hold themselves for ransom and get satisfaction out of knowing they hold back…maybe to them this is satisfying…like they are not going to share no matter what. They get satisfaction out of knowing my T would like to know them and they can hold back. Their retreat and disappearance from the world gave them some kind of strange feeling like they were getting even.
    I am so happy you had a friend who kept you connected to the world while you were considering escaping and ending it all. CG…we are soldiers. Somehow we continue to march on in this life with one foot in front of the other and never let go of our hope that tomorrow…maybe..some light will come on that shines into the darkness of our lives and brings warmth and comfort that will sooth us to the other side of the pain. That hope has kept us here so far and we must hang onto it. I know it is hard and sometimes it just feels easier to lose sight of the flicker in the night and to keep on fighting within to see it and hang onto it. Sometimes when I am like this I can call for help within…for a part to come forward and take over…I know there is one there somewhere. Afterall..they have protected and taken care of us this far. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. My pain is bad these days…my world is very fragmented too…I just go through the motions and keep trudging along and hopefully I’ll find a clearing? I’ll pray for your clearing!! BIG safe hugs to you my friend and please be well!

    • Hi Nansie,

      It is so good to see you again πŸ™‚ I was wondering the other day how you were…

      I’m so sorry that things have been so tough for you. I quickly read your post, and so much has happened. I’m sorry, but also glad that you are now safe from that environment.

      lol… yes, the former team leader does have more than a few issues. I’m trying to put it behind me, but I still get the flashbacks of her doing it. One day at a time, right?

      No, the jury is still out on Allison. Yet, so many different parts have talked to her, which indicates a level of trust – or possibly desperation??

      I sounds like you’re being pulled in all sorts of directions with your therapist. It’s so complicated when there are many different levels of trust. Allison keeps on saying that she is open to any level of trust (or distrust), that we hold towards her. She thinks I have every reason to show those different levels at different times. I’m trying to go with that, but it’s difficult. You’re right about the therapist having to prove themselves to each part… which just adds another layer of complexity to an already complex situation.

      I obviously don’t know for sure, but when any part within my system withholds in the way you are describing, there is an element of wanting power and control. In my case, it was another test of the therapist – cos, like, they don’t have enough as it is πŸ™‚

      I think the trip was more about a psychological destruction, more than anything else. I’m not sure. All I know is that the plans were serious, and I didn’t particularly care.

      There is always hope… we might lose sight of it, and someone else might have to remind us of where it is; but it’s always there…

      Please take care of yourself…
      (((warm safe hugs)))
      CG

  10. *sits down to a think a while*

    CG, I’m sorry you were in so much pain.

    I think you do a beautiful job of expressing yourself online. I know I feel a connection with you from reading your posts and comments. You and Michael are the only people who leave me comments -do you know how much those comments mean to me? (even though I’m not really going to admit it because I don’t need connections!)

    I don’t care how difficult you are. I like you. And, I hope the next time you are feeling so much pain you will call on me -or any one of these wonderful friends you have here in the blogosphere. I can’t say I’ll be much help… I’ll more than likely say the wrong thing! But hopefully you will know and feel that I’ll be trying to help because I care about you.

    *orders us some Banaffi pie cuz I googled it and it looks deliciously yummy*

    ~rl

    • Hi rl,

      Connections are over-rated… just like breathing, sleeping, driving on the right side of the road, and having four tyres on your car… πŸ™‚

      Anyone can say the wrong thing… that’s the nature of being human. It’s ok to do so… the big lesson is in how we react to those mistakes. We don’t intend them to happen, so we can try to ease the pain caused.

      Oh, you soooo need to try one of those pies if you ever find one… too yummy for words πŸ™‚

      Take care,
      CG

    • It is indeed a caramel and banana form of decadent yumminess… they must have them over your way? I love them because I can’t have coffee, so this is a version that I can have πŸ™‚

      Take care,
      CG

    • Hi Paul,

      Only you could find something hopeful in that experience Paul πŸ™‚

      I know what you mean though, considering what I wanted to happen, coming back in one piece was a good sign.

      Take care,
      CG

  11. Hi, CG.

    I’ve been away from Google Reader for a while. As a whole, reading posts got to be too triggering for me. I am very sad to learn of your suicidal ideation and the difficult time you had in Wellington. I don’t have much to say, not that I ever do. But I’m back, and listening to every word, every distress signal, every silent cry for help.

    And I will do whatever I can cross-continent for you. You are worth being.

    M.I.S.

    • Hi M.I.S.,

      I’m so sorry that reading posts became too triggering… but I can also understand what you mean, as I’ve had to be very careful about what I read, and don’t read lately. It’s a sign of good self care.

      I’m sorry that this is post that you came back to on my blog. They haven’t all been potentially triggering lately…

      I’m glad you’re back… I hope that means you’re feeling better. You are also very much worth being…

      Take care,
      CG

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