When I returned from Wellington, I thought I was making my way out of the abyss. Things seemed more settled, and my thinking clearer.
I was wrong.
During the past week I have reconnected with dysfunctional people from my past; and set-up emotional scenarios which mirror different aspects of my past.
I’m a train wreck.
I’m trying to live in the present, and failing. The past has begun haunting me with a vengeance.
I would tell you how my week has been; but I don’t know, it’s a blank. I see from my tweets that there was a problem over the weekend with a neighbour… my hair has been cut… I see from emails that I was concerned about friends… I had Christmas cards to put in the post today, so things were getting done… I was appearing normal. But, I don’t remember it. There’s jumbled glimpses of other things… putting on trackies when I was getting cold talking to a friend on the phone Friday night… It’s Monday, right? That means I need to get the rubbish ready to put out tomorrow… Panic in the mall on Saturday… I hate Allison… Take the team at work to afternoon tea on Thursday, but tell them they can go downtown for an hour if they want – one small way I can make up for them not getting a bonus… I don’t trust anyone… Why is our work Christmas function in a sports bar?
Just a mess of thought fragments being tossed around my head.
I was scrolling through my YouTube playlists, and came across this piece which calmed me briefly…
If I’m falling, I wonder where I’ll land?