When I returned from Wellington, I thought I was making my way out of the abyss.  Things seemed more settled, and my thinking clearer.

I was wrong.

During the past week I have reconnected with dysfunctional people from my past; and set-up emotional scenarios which mirror different aspects of my past.

I’m a train wreck.

I’m trying to live in the present, and failing.  The past has begun haunting me with a vengeance.

I would tell you how my week has been; but I don’t know, it’s a blank.  I see from my tweets that there was a problem over the weekend with a neighbour… my hair has been cut… I see from emails that I was concerned about friends… I had Christmas cards to put in the post today, so things were getting done… I was appearing normal.  But, I don’t remember it.  There’s jumbled glimpses of other things… putting on trackies when I was getting cold talking to a friend on the phone Friday night… It’s Monday, right? That means I need to get the rubbish ready to put out tomorrow… Panic in the mall on Saturday… I hate Allison… Take the team at work to afternoon tea on Thursday, but tell them they can go downtown for an hour if they want – one small way I can make up for them not getting a bonus… I don’t trust anyone…  Why is our work Christmas function in a sports bar?

Just a mess of thought fragments being tossed around my head.

I was scrolling through my YouTube playlists, and came across this piece which calmed me briefly…

If I’m falling, I wonder where I’ll land?

Now playing: Arvo Part – Spiegel Im Spiegel
via FoxyTunes


29 thoughts on “Falling

  1. Hi CG, so sorry you’re struggling like this. Please try to remember we are here for you. And also that this time of year is really like no other. Hang in there. ((hugs))

  2. CG I had no idea that things were so jumbled for you. I saw your tweets over the weekend and you and I tweeted a bit too and I didn’t know.

    Is there some sort of processing going on? The reason I’m asking is because you say that you’ve set up some scenarios that mirror your past. Is it possible there’s some information needing to be processed? The problem is that I’m rubbish with ideas on why certain things happen or why we do certain things, so I’m just trying to throw things out there.

    I think it’s good that you have ways to see what’s been happening ie: Twitter etc. That way you’re aware that there’s some dissociation going on. If you didn’t know it that would be worse. It’s also good that you found something that could get through to calm you, even if it was brief. I say keep using this video as needed and then try to communicate with Allison. Let her know how disconnected things have been.

    I’m also with Kerro: we are here for you as always.

    *safe hugs if you like*

    • Hi tb,

      I remember our tweets… we were having fun teasing each other πŸ™‚ In those moments, I was ok.

      I’m not sure what’s going on. One of the big differences between this year, and recent years, is that my mother is usually staying with me by now – or her visit is imminent. But this year she doesn’t arrive until Christmas Eve. I know there is a tension with her being here, but she also forces me to keep it together to some extent outside of work.

      I think the scenarios which match my past are about trying to cope, but I’m not sure. They’re all about inflicting emotional pain. It’s all really confusing.

      Allison was doing her “I am concerned” routine when I saw her yesterday. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do.

      Thanks tb, it amazes me that people aren’t openly wanting to run from me considering the difficult fish I’ve been this year…

      (((warm safe hugs))) if wanted,

      • I’m glad that you were ok at least some of the time.

        I’m sure that knowing your mother is coming eventually is a challenge within itself, even though I understand what you mean when you say that she forces you to keep it together in a way. I think if you can bow out of any stuff that isn’t absolutely necessary, you should.

        It seems like there’s a lot of uncertainty about what’s happening and what you should do when I read you r writing. Is there any kind of exercise you can do to try and get some focus on what’s at the source of these recent developments? A writing exercise? A Polyvore set?

        I’m curious, did Allison have any suggestions for you?

        • Hi tb,

          I’m uncertain about everything at the moment. I can usually gather information, process, reflect, and all those other good things. But now I’m very aware that I’m “letting things happen”, rather than driving them. I’m not sure how to change that. I tried writing, and this post is all I could manage. I look at Polyvore and freeze up.

          Allison wants me to keep emailing her with updates as to what is happening.

          People leave all the time for various reasons, so I wouldn’t blame anyone at all considering how distant I’ve been lately. Not their fault, but purely mine…

          Take care,

          • I understand that freezing up. It’s happened to me recently too. There’s no need to push yourself if this is where you’re at. My concern in part, is for your safety. I think you should definitely keep Allison in the loop and I’m thinking or maybe hoping that writing her will be easier than trying to speak face to face since I know that sometimes you have trouble talking. In writing her you can be very honest instead of worrying about speaking verbally.

            And as an outside perspective, I’m going to say that you haven’t seemed distant at all to me and you know what? Even if you had been (which you weren’t) we still wouldn’t leave because we care about you and we’d just wait here for you until you were ready.

            • Hi tb,

              Part of the reason why Allison asks that I email her, is so that she can have a better idea of what is going on. I only sent her one email over the weekend, but it was enough to fill an hours session… considering it was only one paragraph, I don’t know whether to be proud, or ashamed of that fact πŸ™‚

              Thank you for being my friend tb…

              Take care,

  3. CG,

    Like Kerro, I’m really sorry that you are struggling so. It’s terrible that your Wellington trip was challenging and triggering as it is, but all the more so that elements have stayed with you, or perhaps set other things in motion … things which are actively pulling you down.

    I hope you can ramp up your self care … maybe slow down and even add elements of continuity or accountability for yourself with respect to losing time. You know best for yourself what works.

    And … is it even remotely possible for you to take a pass on the Christmas work function? I’m sure many here would also support that, if it’s not something that would hurt you politically or professionally? I worry that going might be akin to throwing yourself under the bus, and I can’t see that as worthwhile or a priority, under scarcely any circumstance.

    With Support,

    • Hi Michael,

      I wish I could blame Wellington, but I know full well that the trip was just a stress that I could focus on – in reality, I was falling apart well before the trip. It therefore makes sense that returning from the trip doesn’t mean that things are magically “fine”… another illusion shattered at my feet.

      “Self care”… what is this thing you speak of? πŸ™‚ I am trying to do little things through the day. Last night I went home and shared my blueberry muffin dinner with the sparrows…

      I have a habit of avoiding the work functions, but I’m not sure that I can this year due to being the acting team leader – must act responsibly and be a team player πŸ™‚ I’ll see what I can do. I did mention to Mareeya yesterday that I could casually mention the plague or something, but I think that might be a little OTT…

      Thank you, and take care,

  4. I would like to repeat what Kerro has said and say we are here for you and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

    Take care πŸ™‚

  5. I think what concerns me the most out of what you’ve written here is your reconnection with the dysfunctional people from your past. I certainly understand it, but I’m afraid to see you fall into situations that have the potential to be toxic. I understand it because I have a tendency to fall into repetitive scenarios that are emotionally unsafe. I don’t want that to happen to you.

    I think that seeing your tweets, emails, etc… is a good thing, even though it can be frustrating to see things that you don’t actually remember doing. I agree with Michael about ramping up your self care as well as some accountability to help with the lost time.

    I ‘try’ to do this by typing notes to myself throughout each day. I just use the “notes” section on my ipod & iphone and type random things that are significant to me at the moment. When I read them to my therapist, I find that I don’t remember much of it and it’s upsetting, but it’s also necessary for me to account for the lost time.

    If the “plague excuse” gets you out of the office Christmas function please let me know…. I may try to use the same excuse this week for my office Christmas function. πŸ˜‰

    Maybe I’ll just take notes and tweet my way through my office Christmas function so that I stay connected and accountable. I’ve never tried that before. πŸ™‚

    If you must go to the function, I wish you positive strength to get through it.

    Take care and good luck with everything you have going on this week. You deserve the best! You don’t deserve any level of dysfunction, so be good to yourself. πŸ™‚

    ~ Mareeya

    • Hi Mareeya,

      Yes, that aspect of what I’m going through, is what I know should be bothering me. The last time I connected with this friend, it led to all sorts of dysfunction. It’s difficult, as we have such a history together; yet I know it’s not safe to go back there. Now, if only I could kick my brain into caring about that, and not drifting towards goodness knows what, I’d be happy! I’m ok when I’m in this space, but then I drift out of this space so quickly, and it’s all gone again.

      It wasn’t so good seeing my hair… I’m not quite sure what colour was being aimed for, but it’s not quite “me”… lol. But yes, it’s good to see the footprint I leave behind. It’s sadly ironic, that I will regularly fill in the weightloss app that I have, but have stopped filling in the diary app that I used to fill in regularly. Well, actually may be that’s a sign of my growing dysfunction and movement away from healing.

      If you want to try a diary app, I use Day One, which is quite good. It helped me to keep everything together, and I could email individual entries to Allison. You’re right, they are a good way to increase accountability.

      I’ll let you know about the plague option; although I have a feeling I’ll end up going.

      Thanks Mareeya… I’m thinking of you too, and hoping things ease up for you.

      Please take care,

  6. CG,

    I’m sorry things are so difficult for you now. Add the holidays to everyday troubles and it’s all sorts of rotten. I wish I knew more to say or had some ideas to help. I suppose if nothing else I can tell you I think you’re an awesome person. You gave me lots of support and congratulations with my donkey adventure this weekend. It meant so much! I think you give to others more than you are able to realize. That’s okay… we’ll just keep telling you how much you rock! πŸ™‚

    Take care and be safe,

    • Hi rl,

      Thanks for the support πŸ™‚

      I’ll be honest and say that I “know” the holidays are happening, but I have no awareness of them. I’m buying Christmas stuff so that I don’t have to do a big shop near Christmas, and there are occasionally even thoughts of putting up the Christmas tree… but, there’s no connection to it.

      I’m so glad that it all went so smoothly over the weekend… you and donkey did awesome!!

      Take care,

  7. I understand how complicated it can be when you have history with someone who has contributed to dysfunctional behavior. Just go easy and try whatever you can to be self-aware. I know that’s much easier said than done.
    I think you will be able to tell if this friendship is making you feel good about yourself, or making you feel bad about yourself, and then you will act accordingly… just as you have in the past.

    That must have really freaked you out to see your hair changed. Hair grows, and color can be changed to something that better suits you. Who knows… maybe this will grow on you, and you’ll end up liking it?? :-

    True story: This past May, I begged my hair stylist to shave my head. As in bald. As in Sinead O’Conner bald. He refused & said he’d rather lose me as a client than shave all my hair off. Then I tried to get him to compromise and just cut it really, really short like a boy. He still refused. Had I gone to a different hair stylist, it’s quite possible they would have given into my bizarre demands, and I would still be trying to grow my hair back. It’s humorous, though slightly embarrassing now when I go in and he says “aren’t you glad I didn’t let you do that?”

    Thanks for the advice on the diary app. I’m going to try it. It has to be better than my jumbled up notes that I type. I may not always remember to enter something every single day, but I like the idea of doing it because I forget so much of my days, then I get to my therapist’s office and just stare blankly at her while shrugging my shoulders with nothing to say.

    I think it’s great that you can keep Allison apprised via emails. I believe that counts as accountability, and it gives you both topics to discuss during your actual sessions.

    I still worry about the location of your office Christmas function. Try to stay connected with someone safe if you have to go… just as you did when you went to Wellington.

    Hang in there, CG. My best thoughts are with you.

    ~ Mareeya

    • Hi Mareeya,

      I already know that this friendship will make me feel used and dirty; but there’s a part of me that hopes he has changed. It’s a false hope, but it’s still there.

      My hair isn’t bad, it’s just a bit (lot) more red than I’m used to. I have asked for my hair to be shaved, all cut off and coloured all sorts of colours before. Most of the time I’ve come around to what is happening when the stylist asks me about 5 times if I’m sure that it’s what I want πŸ™‚

      Day One allows you to set-up alerts, and there’s a Mac version for it too (which you can sync through DropBox), so it’s worth checking out. I did find it useful, but check that it’s got the features that you might want.

      I’ve been told today that I have to go to the Christmas function. Will see what happens…

      Take care,

      • CG & Mareeya,

        I wonder what it is about women and our hair? I brutally attacked my head of hair a year ago. After comments having to do with my hair from two different people (one about pulling on it and another about getting it out of the way) and while dealing with the aftermath of my mom’s long hospitalization and transplant surgery, I hacked mine off.

        I couldn’t afford to continue coloring it. So I’d begun to let it grow out. About an inch away from my head was a clear line where the coloring began/ended. I cut along that line as best and as frantically as I could. When I started my hair was half-way down my back, it ended up an inch off my head! Thankfully it’s grown back out enough now that I can at least make it resemble a hair style!

        Oddly, though, I don’t think I regret it. The comments and the two people who made them were painful. Everything we went through with my mom was insanely painful. Seeing the length my hair has grown since it was cut reminds me that time has passed. Of course, I’m not working so I didn’t have to endure too much public reaction!

        It would have been a real shock if I didn’t know I was doing it though!! Anyway, just my hair story… moral… don’t keep scissors in the house!


        • Hi rl,

          Isn’t is amazing how a comments can effect us so badly? I know some are made maliciously, but not all of them. I know my sister always used to have people telling her that they wish she’d style her hair differently… it knocked her already low self-confidence. So I can understand why you cut it all off.

          I’m sorry people made it their business to tell you about yours. I’m sorry for the pain inflicted. I’m glad you can see the positive side of it now though.

          Take care,

  8. Hi CG,

    Although I am trying hard to fight off the intrusive (but strangely pleasing) imagery of Mareeya doing an *amazing* job of lip-syncing Sinead O’Connor style to “Nothing Compares 2 U”, I want to focus for a second on the great support she has offered you, and her worries about you and this work function. Maybe I missed this, but when is the event? Maybe your tremendous support community here, stunning performers and behind-the-scenes artists alike, could be a help? We can send our best safe wishes/prayers/energies at the very least, but also many of us might provide you with a check-in either before or after you are finished, to make sure you are not still haunted by bad sports-bar music, or whatever ill might have afflicted you due to that rotten environment. Even if going is a necessity, possibly we can stay the damage?

    I really am extremely impressed at the latitude you and Mareeya will take with your hair decisions. My own “hairstyle plans” tend to involve very little change, a narrow length range, and no coloring besides any food or debris which might find its way in there.

    Here’s to the Rebuilding of our Shattered Illusions … not to mention Scattered Pieces. All joking aside … Much Support.

    • Hi Michael,

      Mareeya would totally rock the Sinead O’Connor look, if she chose to πŸ™‚

      On Thursday and Friday of this week I have to attend different work related Christmas functions at one of the local casino sports bars. I struggle around the bar scene as my father was a bar manager for awhile.

      I’m not quite sure what to say about the offer of assistance, besides thank you.

      I had to laugh at the descriptions of your wild and wacky hair style options… sounds harsh, really harsh… decisions, decisions. It did also remind me of the time I introduced my niece to spaghetti… I’m sure that child didn’t get one piece of food in her mouth that night πŸ™‚

      Take care,

    • Just tell me when and I’ll be here computer-side ready to Tweet you through your event, CG! You’ll have to do the US/NZ day/time conversion for me though. Otherwise I’ll be ready at 2AM last Wednesday!

      Of course, I realize communicating with us might cause even more anxiety and stress. One more thing to think about. But, I’m here if you need someone. I don’t work… so I can be free at all hours.

      Yep! We can slay the damage! (My little doesn’t know what stay the damage means… so in my head, I’m picturing us slaying a monster named damage.)

      Technically I’m not sure how she knows what the word slay means? *scratches my head* Maybe sleigh, but slay? Now, I’m wondering if I spelled that correctly.

      I don’t feel good. I don’t know if it’s allergies or if I have a cold. But my throat is kinda scratchy and my chest is kinda itchy inside and I’m coughing a little bit and I can’t keep the littles in the box where I’ve stuffed them because they don’t feel good. It’s mutiny on the ship rl! Somebody make me feel better!!!!! I don’t like being sick. 😦

      Ooopsie. Didn’t mean to spread my germies over here on CG’s blog.

      Take care,

      • Hi rl,

        Thanks for the offer; but in all honesty, the thought of making contact with anyone through something as public as Twitter terrifies me. I just couldn’t do it.

        When I imagine the monster named damage, I think of a friendly dragon that wouldn’t hurt a fly… lol, my mind is weird today πŸ™‚

        I’m sorry about feeling so yucky… I hope you get better soon!

        Take care,

  9. Hi CG! I hope your hanging in thru this “choppy” time. I am experiencing similar things but not to the extent you are. Try to take deep breaths regularly and remind yourself that a part of you is carrying on life for you while other parts go on break. I know it is so hard to look and see stuff that happened and you don’t remember any of it. Just an awful feeling. I always try to hang onto the thought that these parts are there to ensure my survival and that life can continue on. UGH..I wish I had something/anything to say that would make it all make sense for you. Do you have any ideas about what is triggering this all? I know that it’s important at times like this to really try to work on the trigger and understanding it….it’s hard cuz the parts and their actions tend to pull our focus off that but the trigger is what must be addressed. I know I have to fight to hang onto that when life gets choppy. BIG safe hugs for you!

    • Hi Nansie,

      Thanks for the support. I wish I had the ability to stand back and think that, but I don’t. Everything is so disconnected, and yet I appear to still be going along ok. I know the stressors are my workload, Christmas, Winnie… So I know all of that. I’m just not sure what I can do about it.

      Sending positive thoughts your way… I hope you can have a safe and calm holidays, and things settle for you so that you can start living the life that you want!

      Take care,

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