I return to work on Monday.  Going back to an overwhelming workload, within a toxic environment.

I don’t know if I can do it.  Actually, I know I can’t.

The only question is; how long can I handle it, before it destroys me?


25 thoughts on “Angel

  1. I’m so sorry you have to go back. Funny, I was thinking a similar thing not five minutes ago – I’m not sure I can do it either, the crazy-making workload, the endless exhaustion, blah blah – even if my environment isn’t toxic.

    How about we runaway?? 😉

  2. CG,

    Such a lovely song choice. Spend all your time waiting, for that second chance … For a break that would make it okay …

    Sounds like a terrible feeling, looking ahead to this return. I so much hope you can have some success finding center and some solid ground over the weekend … a place you can stand firm and retreat to when touched by the onslaught of work and annoying people. I know that can be a tall order, but even if it’s the beautiful beach at sunset where you and Kerro quietly sit … maybe you’ll find a sense of Respite, wherever you might be.

    Please take care … Best,

    • Hi Michael,

      It’s one of my favourite songs, it’s so beautifully sad… The break that would make it ok never comes… I know that it’s about making that break yourself within this life; but, I’m not sure I’m capable of that anymore.

      I can’t ask for respite care… that would mean a trip to the police cells, and I’m not capable of dealing with that right now. I’ll be fine, I always am.

      Thank you for the words of support 🙂

      Take care,

      • Hi CG,

        RE: Respite, I was more referring to your own self-created Respite … definitely good to avoid options that are harsh & not so helpful.

        I’m loving that song too, right now. Here is a *stunning* version you’ve probably seen:

        Since you replied … at risk of being somewhat incongruent with the thread, but not being one to neglect ANY avenue of coping … I would also be remiss to undersell the value of “sarcastic coping”, as your intelligence that way is phenomenal. 🙂 One thing that you definitely could use is a show like “The Office”, but for libraries. Something to make merciless fun of the ridiculous personalities you end up running with during the day. Since Steve Carell left “The Office”, maybe you can borrow him from us to start you up the NZ version, as the “Head Librarian”.

        A little levity there, for you.

        I know. *Very* little. 🙂

        Please take care …

        • Hi Michael,

          I have been trying to distract, soothe and create safety during the past week. Sometimes, I even succeeded!

          Sarah sings beautifully live! I was almost going to use that version in this post, but went for the shorter, more familiar one. There’s also a good version of her singing it with Pink at the Grammy’s a few years ago.

          So, you’re saying I should do my PhD in sarcasm?? 🙂

          You present a good television show option… so good in fact, that the Aussies thought of it years ago! It’s in it’s third season over there… Yes, there is indeed a show called The Librarians! Scary, huh?

          I’ll take care if you will 🙂

          • CG …

            Scooped by the Aussies? With all due respect to friends from OZ … Are you KIDDING me? Grrrr … *slinks away, looking for better ideas*

            I’m saying, you got your PhD in sarcasm years ago, and now run the International Accreditation Board for all of the Sarcasm PhD programs in existence. Don’t undersell yourself. 😉

            I’m going to take you up on this … I’ll try to take care, if you will. Coalition! 🙂


            • I know, and you thought you were safe making a joke about a show about librarians… but sadly, no. Those Aussies are an amazing lot 🙂

              I’d almost believe you about the Accreditation Board; but, as you know, those skilled in sarcasm don’t need your support or approval… So it’s unlikely that any PhD programmes would succeed over time.

              Ok, this “taking care” business is a deal,
              PS Thanks for helping me smile, needed that badly 🙂

  3. I’m sorry that it’s time for you to return to work. You’ve been through a lot over the past few weeks, so I know that your time off wasn’t all fun and games.

    I also understand the struggle of being in a toxic environment and having an overwhelming workload.

    Most of all, I understand how difficult it is to switch back into work mode. For me, it’s perplexing because once I am fully into my work mode, I have a very difficult time adjusting to time off. I even struggle with adjusting to the weekends, and that struggle usually manifests in the form of migraines.

    Don’t get me wrong…. I am always excited about having time off, and I know I *need* to be away from work. But just when I feel as though I’m finally adjusting to my time off, it’s time to go back to work again. It’s such a very difficult process that doesn’t happen with any sense of fluidity. It’s a vicious cycle, actually.

    I’ve been struggling with this all week, and I feel very much the same as you. I feel like it’s destroying me. I’m not able to ground and stay present. I seem to be in a constant state of dissociation. I’m not sleeping, and my therapist is starting to become very concerned. I know I need to snap out of this and pull myself together soon, but I just don’t know how. I just hope that each day gets easier.

    I hope that your transition will happen with a little more ease… though I like the idea of running away to a beach to watch sunrises and sunsets so much better. 🙂

    Hang in there and gather as much strength as you can. I wish you the best, as always.

    Take care ~ Mareeya

    • Hi Mareeya,

      I knew you would understand that difficulty in shifting from one space to the other… It takes so much energy to adjust, and it’s all so confusing. Like you, I’m much better at doing it “full-on”, rather than in small chunks of time. That’s part of the reason that I don’t take lunch breaks, and consider other breaks to be work related things that I “have” to do… Anything to help us get by, and stay functional…

      I know this is a struggle for you, and I also worry about your lack of sleep and everything… just to support your therapists concerns 🙂 I know that you will find a way through this, because you are strong, and a survivor… I just hope that the way through isn’t too bumpy for you, and things settle down for you soon. It might help not having the long weekends??

      It’s starting to look more like there’s going to be a big gathering on the beach, rather than people at work, on Monday 🙂

      Please take care of yourself,

  4. Hi CG,

    Icky, yuck… bad work environment. I’ve been there, and it just sucks! I used to hide in the bathroom to avoid my boss!! How grown up of me, huh! (I think I’ll blame that one on a little!!)

    I know there’s nothing I can say to make you feel any better. Sometimes we just find ourselves stuck in a situation we can’t easily escape.

    Though, it does help me sometimes to think that technically we can escape anything. Technically, you could just not go to work Monday morning. Sometimes just thinking of that extreme alternative choice -no matter how impossible in reality- kinda helps me feel a little bit less bad.

    I do know how you feel. To be honest, I’m getting a little sick just thinking about that feeling! That utter, horrible dread. …I’m such a cheery help, huh?!

    I do hope it goes better than you expect Monday. You never know?! Maybe 1/2 the office staff will have the flu and be out all week!! 🙂

    hmmm… I forget it’s summer there. Flu is unlikely, huh?

    Maybe they’ll be kidnapped by pirates? …or aliens? …or aliens that have become pirates? (I doubt there are any pirates that became aliens… unless they were pirates on their home planet? WOW! Maybe they’ll be abducted by alien pirates and made to walk the plank in outer space!!)

    Sorry, my little’s been out this morning… Hot chocolate will do that. I’ve got left-over little brain.

    ~*~*~*~ sending lots of positive vibes ~*~*~*~


    • Hi rl,

      I don’t know, I think that it’s smart to get away from a bad situation. If getting away means going into the bathroom for a bit, then so be it 🙂

      I’m still hoping to win Lotto tonight… that’s my best option.

      Although your plan about half the staff being absent due to the flu, or abduction by pirate aliens, sounds promising; it would mean that I’d have to do their work too… I’m already doing the work of 2 or more people.

      Hot chocolate is awesome, I’m glad you had some!

      Thanks for the support…

      Take care,

  5. I am worried for you CG. I like the song. I also thought of antoher one, yuo know it I believe…

    TI is called “Scarlet” by Brooke Fraser. The lyrics speak abuot “how much can she take before she breaks”?”

    CG, if you do not feel ready, do you HAVE to go back, even if not going may mean sacrificing short-term, but best long-term?

    CG, maybe an idea, whether yuo go back or not is also to write a list of things/people yuo can turn to if yuo feel yourself breaking, jsut fofr safety sake, like a safety plan, but write it and post it, so when and if needed, yuo have it easily at hand. If yuo wait until the feelings get to much or yuo feel yuorself breaking, it will not be good time to write list or look for one nad figure out what to do – yuo can do this BEFOREHAND so you are raedy, just like an emergacny actoin plan.

    NOt to say yuo will need it, but just in case, yuo know? Hope that helps!

    All Best,

    Just me.

    • Hi Human Being HEALING,

      Yes, I know the Brooke Fraser song Scarlet very well… another favourite 🙂

      I do have to return to work, I must as the workload is too high for me to leave it any longer. I’ve managed to get through the first day without too much trouble.

      Thank you for the suggestion of a “safety list”… I’ll look into creating one 🙂

      Sending positive thoughts your way,

  6. I can relate to work difficulties because the memories of the terrible stress of attempting to deal with staff and customers and bosses and projects etc. is still very fresh in my mind.

    Before I had to stop working and get on disability, I would force myself to drive to work while in a daze and then get there and cry in the bathroom before going back to my desk where I would promptly fall apart again.

    It was very hard and I’m sorry that you are having to deal with the stress of a too-heavy workload and the lack of understanding that comes with working with people who have no idea what’s really going on with you.

    I wish I knew what to tell you but since I can’t fix it I will offer my unending support.

    • Hi CI,

      Thanks for the support… I know you understand where I’m coming from all too well. It’s an awful situation to be in. I’m glad you protected yourself by getting out of that environment!

      There’s nothing that will fix it… except winning Lotto 🙂

      Take care,

  7. Hi CG,
    I know, work can be so difficult and exhausting 😦 I really hope you don’t have to much stress. I’m sending you a bundle of strength, patience and … assertiveness (you have someone in your team for this?). I think you need this at work too 😉
    and perhaps it is helpful to find something that you can look forward to?

    (btw. may I join you and Kerro on the beach. We love the sea)

    Take care. Thinking of you, a lot.

    • Hi LSC,

      Oh yes, I’d love it if you would joined us on the beach 🙂 It’s an open invitation to anyone who wants to escape for a bit…

      Thank you for your support and understanding, I really appreciate it! I’ll find a way through this, I always do 🙂

      Take care,

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