Expressive Arts Carnival: Obstacles

The theme for this months Expressive Arts Carnival is:

Through drawing, painting, or any other visual means, create an image that represents a major obstacle facing you now.

My first reaction when reading the directive for this month’s carnival, was to write the letters “ME” on a page, and send it in.  It feels more and more as if I am my own worst enemy; or probably more accurately, my thinking is.

My disordered thinking is evident in all areas of my life, but is particularly problematic at work – where I’m doing the job of about two people, but reluctant to make waves by saying that I’m swamped; within therapy – where I hold up any negative interaction as a reason to further beat myself up mentally, and use as a gateway to more self-injury; and finally with my relationship with food – where small things like being told that I must have three meals a day in order to have the antibiotics I was prescribed last week, caused a major panic.

I know that all of these factors are inter-related symptoms of an underlying cause… the problem is, that the symptoms are screaming so loudly, that it’s difficult to see, or hear the motivations behind it all.  It is for this reason, that I’ve chosen this abstract photo of a red canna lily to represent both the scream of the symptoms, and the underlying motivations.

This scream is my obstacle… and my path to healing.

—————-
Now playing: Counting Crows – Rain King
via FoxyTunes

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14 thoughts on “Expressive Arts Carnival: Obstacles

  1. Wow CG, this is powerful and emotive. It says so much and I can’t believe how much you got across in this image.

    I understand what you’re feeling and I’m so sorry for it as well.

    *safe hugs if you like*

  2. CG, I’m so sorry you feel this way abt yourself. I think the photo you chose depicts that well. I wonder what would happen if you thought of the “obstacle-you” as an ally? Or as a version of you created by abusers? Is that possible?

    Also sorry to hear ur physically unwell. Hope things are ok.

    ((hugs))

    • Hi Kerro,

      Thanks 🙂

      I’ll have to think about what you’ve suggested, as it’s not something I’ve thought of before…

      The antibiotics are a precautionary measure because of a very minor operation, so no big deal… except for the whole food thing, that is 🙂

      I hope you enjoy your time at the beach…

      Take care,
      CG

  3. CG,
    Hear your scream.
    The image you’ve chosen is so powerful, find it interesting that you identify it both as your obstacle and your path to healing.
    Gentle thoughts,
    Bay

    • Hi Bay,

      Thank you…

      I identify this scream as both the obstacle, and path to healing, because if I can release it… understand it… cope with it… then that will lead to healing. It will help me understand myself, and my reactions a little more. It will release those emotions that I’ve bottled up for so long. But, at the moment, I’m stuck in a mute scream… so not yet able to take another step towards healing. I’ve been here before, and each visit helps me learn a little more…

      Please take care,
      CG

  4. I’m sorry all the symptoms are so prominent now. And I do understand how difficult it is to find a way out of them. Especially when you have so many feeding into each other.

    I look at this, and read what you wrote, and think of that movie INSiDE. Remember at the end, when one part stood up and said “Enough!” That’s what I hope you will be able to do for yourself. And I think you will.

    • Hi Paul,

      Yes, I suppose the similarities to the movie INSiDE are quite accurate… the overwhelming cacophony happening within the room, while waiting for the assessing psychiatrist. I’m not sure what will bring an end to the dysfunction, it feels as if it’s been going on for so long, that it’s become the new way of being. But, I know it’s not sustainable for much longer.

      I’ll find a way through… I always do.

      Take care,
      CG

  5. Interesting that it is the song you’re listening to that grabbed my attention from this… “I belong anywhere but in between…” You do not deserve to be stuck in the middle here. I hope that you are able to sort out the symptoms and to be able to let people at work know that you’re swamped. I had to go into my boss’s office and tell him that I was drowning, and that work was not getting done, and that which was wasn’t getting done well. It was a hard conversation to start, but one that helped as he helped let me know what to prioritize and that I was expecting way more of myself than he was expecting of me.

    • Hi Storm Dweller,

      The Rain King by Counting Crows is one of my favourite songs, and the line that you quote is how I often feel…

      I’m trying to sort things out at work… I’ve voiced my concerns, and it is now largely out of my hands. I’ll see what happens in the short term, with a view as to what to do in the long term.

      I’m glad you were able to work towards a resolution in your workplace. I do think we often place too many expectations on ourselves…

      Take care,
      CG

  6. For me, seeing the issues at work and around food both scream that you’re feeling as if you have little control of your environment/self. I’m wondering if the scream would be less intense if you felt you had more control in these areas? If you spoke up at work would that give you some of your control back? If you decided when, where and what those three meals would be, would that give you a measure of control and lessen the power of the scream?

    I don’t think control is a bad thing. I think we all need to feel as if we have some sort of control in our lives. But, when you toss in a history of not having control because of abuse then the loss of control in adult life can feel devastating, crippling. Feeling this loss of control can culminate in different ways, usually ones that work against the healing process.

    I’m going to shut up now. I hope I made some sort of sense. Feeling in control is always needed and is not a bad thing. I’m going to shut up now.

    Austin

    • Hi Austin,

      Please don’t you ever shut up! I, for one, value your voice, opinion and art…

      You’re spot on with your analysis that it’s a control issue for me… even the silent scream is about needing control over the emotion and not making a scene. Everything is about locking things down, and making it as small and disconnected as possible.

      I did speak up at work, and they are getting a casual staff person in to help me for 50 hours. So, that is some progress. As for my eating, I thought I was making progress yesterday, as I stood on the scales and felt happy with my weight… but by the time I’d finished getting ready for work, I was back to needing to lose another Xkg. The food stuff has been going on for over six months now, so it’s become really strong… will see what happens.

      You made perfect sense, and added to my own thoughts on the subject… thanks.

      Take care of yourself,
      CG

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