Never a child

This is the start of something written last night…

I was never a child
I never played
I never laughed
I never talked

I only watched
I only hurt
I only played
I was never a child

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to write, reflect, or do anything artistic… as soon as I try, anxiety hits, and I doubt myself.  I think that the main reason for this, is the continued compartmentalisation, and disconnect that I’m experiencing… On the surface, I appear to have everything “together”… yet, I’m struggling with feeling so overwhelmed, that I’m again in the suicidal abyss.

It’s easy to list off the things that are causing me to feel overwhelmed… it’s more difficult to address them.  My ability to verbalise anything during therapy is near zero.  I’m constantly assaulted with images of graphic self-injury, as I sit in silence…  What torture the mind can put you through, never ceases to amaze me.  A combination of my worst fears, horror movies, and flashbacks are now a regular Monday morning occurrence…

In theory, I know that the inability to write, speak, and the compartmentalisation, are all symptoms of the overwhelm… but, I’m very aware that I’ve been like this for a long time now.  It seems as if my “good moments” are further and further apart.  When people ask how I am, the only words I can say are “I’m ok”…  I’m not able to say anything that would explain what’s happening in my head.  Part of this, is my continued need for invisibility; but a larger part is that nothing I do seems to connect with reality.  In so many ways, I seem to only exist in the moment… not in a positive, mindful way; but in a space where I have no sense of anything as being real… I’m just “there”, with no connection to anything.  Intellectually, I know this isn’t good… it’s always been a precursor to serious bouts of self-injury… but, I’m at a loss as to how I can ease it.

Allison also seems at a loss as to what will help.  Considering how little I’m able to verbalise what’s happening, that’s understandable.  Last week, Allison had assumed that I’d put her back in the “useless” basket… but, I know that she can’t work with someone who can’t talk.  This is all on me, not anyone else.  In case you hadn’t noticed, my self-loathing and intolerance are at new heights…  But, I know that unless I can start to communicate, I’m going to continue down this negative path.  I need to stop isolating, and reach out… I need to start caring…  I need to stop playing the game…

It hasn’t escaped my notice that I’ve reverted back to the dysfunctional behaviours of the past… outwardly appearing fine, and hiding the chaos.  The piece I wrote last night was about never being a child because of that disconnect… if I’m not able to make any positive changes soon, I’m not going to have a life because of that same disconnect.

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10 thoughts on “Never a child

    • Hi Campbell,

      Thanks for the understanding, I appreciate it. I know how awful this feeling is, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I still appreciate knowing that I’m not alone in all of this…

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting…

      Take care,
      CG

  1. I’m sorry that you’re struggling so much 😦
    You are not alone with the inability to verbalise what’s happening and going on inside.
    When I’m at this place my thera uses sometimes fingersigns to get a response from someone in our system. Maybe you and Allison can try something like this? That’s a possibility to address something and it’s a form of communication too. She only has to be patient. It has helped me several times.
    Thinking of you.
    Warm safe hugs to all who want them ((((CG))))
    LSC

    • Hi LSC,

      I hadn’t thought about using something like signals, thanks for the tip. I sometimes draw during a session when I find it difficult to talk, and maybe I need to look at those other options more closely…

      It’s a tough place to be… where there’s so much inner turmoil, that you get stuck in silence. It can be crazy-making, and so very frustrating… which just makes it all feel so much worse…

      Thanks again for the tip 🙂

      Take care, and with (((warm safe hugs))) to those who want them,
      CG

  2. I very distinctly remember being in that place. It was horrible when I went through them. I remember sometimes screaming in my head for someone to help me yet not being able to say anything outloud because I was somehow frozen on the outside. Before I spoke with them (and they spoke to me) it felt like everything was becoming this swirl of emotion and colors. When that happened, my therapist would have to help pull us all apart because we were all swirling together and if that happened, a certain ones would come out and start to hurt themselves or me (some took it out on me). I had to use a lot of imagery at those times. That is where your art could really be helpful to figure out how to separate yourself from them and sometimes them from each other. Well, that is if the same thing is happening to you that used to happen to me. It can get better. I don’t experience that anymore. Now, if I am triggered, I know which one it is (usually) and can take care of it most of the time myself as they are willing to let me help them. They also know how to help themselves. They feel much better now that we learned to separate ourselves yet be close. It took awhile so give yourself some time and try to take care of yourself. It can get better even though it may not feel like that right now. This is only one moment in time and it too will pass. It took me awhile to learn that one too.

    • Hi Iloessa,

      I also get that screaming in my head… it’s just awful. Sometimes, I’m sure I’ve said something out loud, only to find that it’s all been said internally, and nothing has been spoken.

      You’re the second person who has recommended that I use art to help me through this 🙂 I think I realise this, and I have some drawing supplies on the table, occasionally I look at them… but, never seem to do more than look. I think I probably need to force myself to do so…

      Thank you for your words of support, and a description of how things have improved for you… it helps to see how others have made it through…

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting, I appreciate it 🙂

      Please take care,
      CG

  3. CG,

    I’m so sorry you’re in such a bad state! My eyes are tearing up at the thought of what you described. I know exactly where you are right now! I was there for months just a few weeks ago.

    I couldn’t talk during therapy -a few sessions I said nothing at all. I nearly quit. I even hurt myself while waiting in my T’s office (car trouble). I was so disconnected I had to scratch myself repeatedly. I now have a nice scar on my neck -of all places! The suicidal thoughts were there and planning began to take place.

    But, just as it started, the worst feelings receded into the background. I know they aren’t gone. I know they’ll be back. Please, try to remember that your illness has its hold on you now, but its grip will loosen a bit eventually. You’ll get a chance to catch your breath and rest. Hold on till that time comes.

    Sending all my hopes that you feel a bit of peace very soon!

    rl

    • Hi rl,

      I think I’m starting to crawl out of that space… I was able to write a little bit, and was able to make some connections; so that’s good 🙂 I’m so sorry you were in that space for so long… that’s just awful, beyond awful.

      Sorry about the scar on your neck…

      Thanks for your support, and comment 🙂 I try to remember that this is only temporary…

      Take care,
      CG

  4. Hi CG,

    I’m so sorry you’ve felt so disconnected, though I understand it. I also understand your difficulty with writing, reflecting, and doing anything artistic. It’s hard to express yourself when you feel so disconnected from reality…. or reality feels so “unreal”. It’s paralyzing… so the easiest thing for us to do is to say we’re “ok”. I totally get that.

    I hope that you really are able to crawl out of that space, and I’m glad that you were able to do a little writing and make some connections. I hope that continues for you.

    Take care, and find ways to reach out if at all possible. I’ll be thinking about you.

    ~ Mareeya

    • Hi Mareeya,

      It’s really good to “see” you again 🙂

      You’re so right… it’s really difficult to do anything when there is such a disconnect happening in our lives. It’s difficult to reach out (either internally, or externally), or pretty much do anything. Sometimes I beat myself up a little for that, which is probably a little harsh, but it’s often where I go…

      The “ok” answer was being questioned by more and more people… and challenged by others… so, it wasn’t quite cutting it. Having it questioned can be rough – it contradicts my need for invisibility, but it was also important. It all made me question myself in positive ways, and that’s got to be good 🙂

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting, I really appreciated it 🙂

      Please take care of yourself…
      CG

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