Note: This post will mention food issues.
Allison has referred me to Eating Disorder Services (EDS).
I’m not really sure what to do with this knowledge… I feel huge amounts of shame… like I’ve failed, and am useless. I was hoping to become invisible by losing weight, yet people are still seeing me…
There’s anger… rage… hatred… some of it directed at Allison. How dare she do this? What gives her the right to refer me to a service that will mean more assessments – physical, as well as psychological? It will all be for nothing anyway, as my BMI is within the “normal range”; so EDS won’t see me as a priority. It feels like crying wolf, and attention seeking.
I wish there were some positives, some glimmer of hope, but there isn’t. EDS is part of the Community Mental Health team that I’ve had such poor interactions with in the past… I know that my attitude, defences, and ways of communicating, play a large part in these poor interactions. Every time I have been open to trying their services, I’ve been knocked back. Sometimes, I’m able to stand back and see how the conversation deteriorates… other times, it takes all I have to prevent myself sprinting from the room.
Everything seems so scary and out of control… I agreed to the referral, but I honestly didn’t expect Allison to follow through with it. She hasn’t followed through on other things in the past, so why this?
I need to go for a walk… anything to try calm down. What a mess.