Referred…

Note: This post will mention food issues.

Allison has referred me to Eating Disorder Services (EDS).

I’m not really sure what to do with this knowledge… I feel huge amounts of shame… like I’ve failed, and am useless. I was hoping to become invisible by losing weight, yet people are still seeing me…

There’s anger… rage… hatred… some of it directed at Allison.  How dare she do this?  What gives her the right to refer me to a service that will mean more assessments – physical, as well as psychological?  It will all be for nothing anyway, as my BMI is within the “normal range”; so EDS won’t see me as a priority.  It feels like crying wolf, and attention seeking.

I wish there were some positives, some glimmer of hope, but there isn’t.  EDS is part of the Community Mental Health team that I’ve had such poor interactions with in the past… I know that my attitude, defences, and ways of communicating, play a large part in these poor interactions.  Every time I have been open to trying their services, I’ve been knocked back.  Sometimes, I’m able to stand back and see how the conversation deteriorates… other times, it takes all I have to prevent myself sprinting from the room.

Everything seems so scary and out of control… I agreed to the referral, but I honestly didn’t expect Allison to follow through with it.  She hasn’t followed through on other things in the past, so why this?

I need to go for a walk… anything to try calm down.  What a mess.

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14 thoughts on “Referred…

  1. ((hugs)) CG. I am sure Allison’s referral comes from a place of loving care and concern for you. I know how difficult ur interactions with this group have been in the past. I can only hope they have a different team for EDS. Please take gentle care and know that I’m here for u, if u want.

    • Hi Kerro,

      I know that the referral comes from a place of care, and professional responsibility. She’s mentioned her concerns on several occasions, and I know that she has to follow that up. It just feels so out of control, and “silly”… I know those are my defences coming into play, and my need to minimise what I’m doing.

      Thanks for you support and offer… I know I’ve been isolating myself pretty well lately, and I’m really sorry for that.

      Take care, and with (((hugs)))
      CG

  2. This is not a failure CG. I know it feels awful but Allison cares about you…maybe you can see it as proof of her care?

    I’m sure that your past experience with the mental health services there would cause anxiety and if I were you I would not be looking forward to another interaction. I feel for you but I also worry about you very much and I’d like to see you get some help and support for these food issues.

    You and I both know that this is about more than food and the danger is there no matter what the numbers are. The numbers don’t tell the whole story.

    I think it’s important that you realize that you have worth, and that worth is about you as a person…the whole person, your mind and your heart and your soul. You deserve care. If your BMI won’t allow the EDS to see you then I sincerely hope that you seek out other help and ask them where you can find it. Please don’t downplay it.

    Ok I’m done nagging you.

    *safe warm hugs*

    • Hi CI,

      I wish I could see it in some sort of positive light; but it’s all such a mess in my head, that I’m not sure what to think, or feel.

      I totally agree that the numbers, especially BMI, don’t tell you an awful lot. It’s part of the picture, but only a small part… I have bigger issues with food… there’s all sorts of phobias about what food I can, and can’t touch; what I can eat; etc. These phobias have developed over time, and have become more entrenched over the last year. This sort of thing is more worrying than my BMI…

      Thanks for your kind words about my worth… I hope you see yourself in those words too…

      Please take care, and with (((warm safe hugs)))
      CG

      • I understand. It’s hard to see any good when there’s so many levels to what’s happening. It’s not a simple matter for sure. Just as the phobias developed over time, I believe that it will take time to defeat them, but…I do believe that they *can* be defeated.

        Let me know what happens with the EDS okay?

  3. How Alison dare to do something like this? Because you’re in danger and she is in responsibility. As you’ve written: the BMI is a very small part of the picture and I’ve seen people dying with an “normal” BMI because of their eating disorders 😦 I don’t want to scare you, but it’s true (and I’m sure you know this -intellectually-).
    CG, I’m so worried about you, because I know your mentioned phobias about food so well from my own experiences and it’s sooooo easy to slip deeper and deeper into an anorexia with these phobias (and I’m sure there’re a bunch more which you haven’t written)
    I really wish, that the EDS is helpful. Please, give it a try. Perhaps there are good and understanding people there, who can help. I understand your feelings about this whole mess absolutely but please, at least try it (you can cancel the assessments at any time if things goes wrong, can’t you?)
    I’m sorry if my words sound a little harsh, but I want to be honest and I don’t want that you play down this problem. I want, that you get the help you need. I only want you to be safe.
    (((Warmest safe hugs))) LSC

    • Hi LSC,

      Your words don’t sound harsh at all… I know this issue effects you, and that you are talking to me from a place of empathy.

      I know that you are right about Allison’s motivations; and the dangers that are present, no matter what your BMI. I know that my body is being punished by my actions…

      Due to my father being a butcher, I’ve always had food based phobias. But, the list of foods that I’m able to touch, eat, or go near; is getting smaller. Yes, there are other problems, which I’m not comfortable sharing… I know that many people struggle with food/body image issues; and I don’t want to cause problems for anyone.

      I hope EDS will be helpful. I know that a majority of the problem is going to be my denial and minimisation. That is within my control, so is something that I need to work on… I could cancel assessments, but that would be taken as a sign of non-compliance, and could mean that the support I receive will suffer as a consequence.

      I hope you are feeling better…

      Please take care, and with (((warm safe hugs))) to those who want them,
      CG

      • Hi CG,
        Thank you for your understanding 🙂
        Do you know what is provided by this EDS? Are there only examinations and assessments or also additional treatments/therapy sessions?
        Take care and warm safe hugs
        LSC

        • Hi LSC,

          I have no idea what they offer. There is no mention that the service even exists on the mental health team website… Allison’s hope was that I go into respite care to try and interrupt the cycle of disordered eating.

          Take care, and with (((warm safe hugs))) to those who want them,
          CG

  4. I am happy that this happened, and I know in the small scale it will create conflicts. Alison followed through, I think, because your relationship with her is more a partnership.

    Also the feeling of shame I think is most telling.

    Disordered eating can be about many things. But I think in many cases it’s about trying to deal or manage that underlying shame. So, as the possibility of addressing the eating comes to the fore, it’s not a surprise that the feeling of shame is on the table.

    Taking a breathe is probably the best thing you can do right now.

    As you already said, you know that your minimizing and denial is an obstacle. But I think you’ve proven that you can get past that with Alison, so now you can maybe translate that… with Alison’s support.

    Take good care,

    Paul

    • Hi Paul,

      At times I can see the referral as being a positive move, and an indication that I need to be aware of what I’m doing. But, all I can see, is that it’s going to be a disaster… EDS won’t accept me into the service, and that will tell me that I’m “too fat”, so need to lose more weight. I went to see my GP today, and she warned me about getting my hopes up, considering my history with the service… she was really nice; said that she hoped that I get help, and that they treat me with respect… but, she’s been on the end of phone calls where they have insulted and demeaned me. I know that I need to put this history to the side, and go in with a positive attitude…

      I will try and breathe… try to slow things down.

      Shame is ever present…

      Thank you for your support.

      Please take care,
      CG

  5. Hey lady,
    We need you…. don’t you go and “vaporize” away from us.
    Can you garden? What if you had a little vegatable garden (city) or a larger one (country)? Could this endeavor to grow some of your own food (and possibly to share some too) help interest you in eating? Today, I are grapes off of my friend’s grape harbor (two years to grow) while I was tending to my fig and blueberry trees. It felt great to work and stop to “feul up” at the grape harbor. There is something therapeutic (at least for me) in growing food. One day, the thing that got me going (sad to say) was that I had a tomato plant that would die away if I did not water it. I know maltreatment, and I certainly did not want to be guilty of maltreating a plant like a tomato plant. I know it’s hard, but every little bit helps. I guess I do not want to die because of “them”, so I keep pressing on so “they” do not win by having me destroy myself because of how unspeakably bad “they” were.

    • Hi abbey,

      I love the quote by George Herbert ~ “Living well is the best revenge”, as it sort of sums up how I’d like to be. I have some way to go before I’m there, but I think I’m going in the right direction.

      I know what you mean about the plants… I used to have a cat who often would make me change what I was planning, because she relied on me. I’m a pretty bad gardener, but I might look at putting in a small vege patch.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

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