Hurt and go

As a warning, the following poem could be triggering because of abuse and suicidal ideation related themes.

I’ve had a few rough weeks – visiting the town where my ex-husband lives, work related stress, inconsistent messages from the Eating Disorder Service, and an emotionally traumatic assessment by the Eating Disorders psychiatrist… It has stirred up so much in me, that I’m barely coping. Well, to be honest, I’m not coping…

Hurt and go

Hurt and go
Hurt and go
Hurt and go
That’s all they ever did
Even when they were smiling
Hurt and go

It was worse when they smiled
You knew it was going to be bad, real bad
They wanted you close
Relaxed
Then
BAM
It was all on

They taught me my worth
No matter what anyone else says or does
My worth was proven long ago
Everything since that time is an illusion
A pretense
A play on words and thoughts

I am nothing
No, not nothing
A thing
An object
A toy for amusement
An aberration
Disgusting
Stupid

If I was anything else
They wouldn’t have done those things

If I was anything else
It would’ve mattered

If I was anything else
It would hurt so much I’d rather be dead

Oh wait, it does.

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12 thoughts on “Hurt and go

  1. CG,

    I’m sorry you’re hurting so terribly right now. I know there isn’t much I can say to make you feel any better. Except, please know that I care, and I’m thankful for the words and thoughts you write.

    Sadly, without one another to identify and empathize with, I wonder if any of us could ever realize we have any worth at all. We’re mirrors for one another. Am I worth nothing? I think now we give one another worth just by being with each other.

    We matter, those of us standing together in this dismal abyss, one to another. Hold tight to that, to me, to your other friends online. I know I need you. And anything needed has value.

    Please take gentle care of yourself.
    rl

    • Hi RL,

      Thank you for your words of support and encouragement… It’s a universal paradox that people so often don’t see their own worth, yet others see them as irreplaceable and worthy beyond measure…

      Please take care,
      CG

  2. CG,

    Thanks for your authentic voice in this really painful post. We who know you believe that you are so much more than your pain speaks, and we’re aware we know only *some* of your depth, intelligence, humour, kindness, and caring. I sincerely imagine that were we to come to know you even better, we would only see more depth, creation, intelligence, kindness, art … personhood … and would feel lucky and enriched by that.

    Please take care and know that, as RL said, your online friends are with you.
    Michael

  3. You are so much more, and you do matter. I’m sorry that you were not treated the way you deserved, and didn’t have a safe place to grow.

    I’m sorry you are in pain today. Keep holding on. You are worth it.

    • Hi Tracie,

      Thank you for the words of support, encouragement and validation… I appreciate it, and you stopping by πŸ™‚

      It’s a moment by moment thing…

      Take care,
      CG

  4. I think rl put it beautifully. I don’t know what happened at the ED place, so I don’t know what to say, but I know you have value and it’s about who you are in your heart and your soul. My life would have a hole in it if I didn’t know you.

    • Hi CI,

      Thank you for your support and kindness… I’m really glad that you’re here too, and I hope it stays that way for a long time to come…

      Please take care,
      CG

    • Hi Paul,

      No, putting it out there didn’t help… But then, I was in a space where nothing really was going to help, except time and distance from the pain.

      Take care,
      CG

  5. Hi … We’re thinking that you are still struggling. I wish you would give writing more time in that it at least could represent a marker for you as to where you have been. I know most of the time our system doesn’t allow so much of a memory so that it is important to put it down, and then acknowledge it by more of our parts – and our P-Doc if necessary. I know though you said in the last comment it hadn’t helped. We are going to hope you’ve found something else that would help. We’ve gone the “invisible” route before too and know that’s more of a response from the abuse than anything particularly healthy. Maybe the window of opportunity was meant to come today πŸ™‚

    Always our best,
    Anns

    http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com
    http://newsdidmpd.blogspot.com

    • Hi Ann,

      Thank you for stopping by and offering support πŸ™‚

      I’m glad you’ve found a way forward that works for you regarding communication. It can be really challenging…

      Take care,
      CG

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