My world is crashing in on me

My world is crashing in on me, and no one sees. That’s ok, because I am one of many.

My world is crashing in on me, and no one sees. That’s wrong, because I am a person, and people are meant to matter.

Nine years ago today I wore red as I walked out the door to get married.  My future mother-in-law could barely contain her scorn at my attire.  I didn’t wear red by deliberate choice, but when you leave the preparations for the wedding until the day before, you get what you can.

Memories of the wedding are sketchy, at best.  We had a picnic the day before the wedding with the mother and two friends.  We did this because we were expecting my future husbands family to ruin the wedding day… they did.  One thing I remember clearly, is when the small gathering threw rose petals over us after the toasts, none of the petals went into my drink; so my mother-in-law picked some up off the ground, threw them into my glass, and made a smart comment about that being better.

Many weddings are about the expectations of the bride… mine were of dread.  In many ways, the wedding was not my own… my sister-in-law has such a dominating personality, that she overshadowed everything – my hair, the photography, directing people around, etc.  The sister, whom I hadn’t communicated with in over ten years passed sarcastic comments onto the mother about her not receiving a wedding invitation… yes, there was the double whammy of her sarcasm, and the mother’s need to inform me of that sarcasm… My future in-laws played games regarding whether they were going to attend, or not.  They only came because their other son paid for the entire trip.  Then on the day, my mother decided that her outfit was too similar to my only invited friends, so I had to help her find an alternative to wear…  Many of these things are run-of-the-mill issues associated with wedding days; but, they increased my anxiety, and therefore levels of dissociation.

The drama didn’t end at the ceremony, but continued through to mix-ups with the billing of the hotel room for the wedding night… We met several very nice police that day…

Did I mention that I didn’t want to get married?  I didn’t.  The only reason the marriage happened, is because he needed to marry.  He needed that security.  Later, as the marriage was falling apart, he often said that if we separated that it would be the end of us both… that I would commit suicide, and that he would be devastated with grief as he returned to the comfort of my mother – note, that he was wanting to gain comfort from my mother, not his.  That sentiment alone indicates his level of dysfunction, pain and confusion…

Marriage was never my thing.  During school, when introduced to the concept of debating, I was on the affirmative team arguing that marriage was an outdated institution.  It was rather amusing, as we drew a picture of marriage as a physical institution… the teacher changed the wording for the debate the following year.  We did get an A though…

I’ve usually seen marriage as a tie to someone who would hurt you.  My marriage didn’t dissuade me from that opinion.  Saying that, I have seen happy marriages… marriages where a combination of compatibility, hard work, and a variety of other factors, have meant that everyone involved has grown in positive ways…  At times, I wish I had that… But, I know I’m too broken for such things.

So yes, my world in crashing in on me… I have failed to work with Eating Disorder Services because I couldn’t meet the directives they established… I have failed at creating any sort of working relationship with my new team leader, and am now building a reputation as being difficult within the workplace… My continual poor communication skills have resulted in my withdrawal from my support system, and causing hurt to those who have braved staying around… Allison is left in the dark as to the reasoning for my behaviour, as I continue to withdraw and become less communicative… Then, earlier this week, the final straw, this chain email from the mother…

I remember the cheese of my childhood,
and the bread that we cut with a knife,
when the children helped with the housework,
and the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed an ice chest,
and the bread was so crusty and hot,
the children were seldom unhappy
and the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the billy,
with the yummy cream on the top,
our dinner came hot from the oven,
and not from the fridge in the shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
they didn’t need money for kicks,
just a game with our mates in the paddock,
and sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
where a pen’orth of lollies was sold
do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic,
or is it….I’m just getting old?

I remember when the loo was the dunny,
and the pan man came in the night,
it wasn’t the least bit funny
going out the back with no light.

The interesting items we perused,
from the newspapers cut into squares,
and hung on a peg in the outhouse,
it took little to keep us amused.

The clothes were boiled in the copper,
with plenty of rich foamy suds
but the ironing seemed never ending
as Mum pressed everyone’s duds

I remember the slap on my backside,
and the taste of soap if I swore
anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
and we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
or our initiative was destroyed
we ate what was put on the table
and I think life was better enjoyed.

I realise that she is reminiscing about her childhood… But, she also knows that I experienced sexual abuse within the environment that this poem glorifies… Oh, and yeah, she knows about my eating disorder too…  The irony is that her childhood wasn’t perfect… if it was, she wouldn’t be this unaware of the potential impact of this poem on me…

So yes, my world in crashing in on me…  Oddly enough, I don’t think it’s going to hurt.

—————-
Now playing: Audioslave – Doesn’t remind me

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14 thoughts on “My world is crashing in on me

  1. CG,

    I’m sorry things are going so badly. I can relate so well. I’m tired of feeling so broken and defective. I wish I had some positive thoughts or words of wisdom to share. But, I’m kind of standing in a pile of rubble myself these days. If nothing else, know you aren’t alone and you have friends online who care.

    ~rl

  2. Ok, that poem threw me for a loop. I couldn’t believe she sent that! You do see that your mother is dysfunctional right? Something is wrong there, inside her, for her to send that to you knowing what she knows.

    You’ve been surrounded by dysfunction and dysfunctional people your whole life but the failure isn’t on you it’s on them.

    Your ex-in-laws sound mean and manipulative. Your ex himself was terrible and no I don’t excuse him because of his family background.

    My own mother and stepfather played that same game about coming to my wedding and we had to pay for them to come.

    I know it hurts when people do cruel or mean spirited things for no reason, but taking on the blame and failure is not good. You haven’t done anything wrong.

    Have you printed out your last several blog post and just read them to Allison to facilitate communication? Picking up some of these unraveling threads might help. Maybe you could start with Allison and then your mother, either by straight out telling her how hurtful her email was or by blocking them until you can say something.

    You already know that I think the ED service didn’t treat you well. So you made a decision based on what was happening and their failure to give you proper help.

    I’m hoping that once this “anniversary” date is over some of the sadness and hurt surrounding it will fade.

    I’m here okay? ((safe, warm hugs))

    • Hi CI,

      I took the poem as a sign of her disconnect… she didn’t mean any harm, but is unaware of the implications of what she says and does…

      My ex-husband came from a dysfunctional family, and was sexually abused for many of his formative years… That doesn’t excuse his abuse of me, but helps me to understand it and put it into context. At the moment, that is what I have to do in order to put one faltering step in front of the other… At another time, I may look at it differently, I’m not sure…

      I’m sorry you experienced family playing head-games around your wedding as well… The one time when it shouldn’t happen, but yet seems almost mandatory :-/

      Yes, I’ve emailed these past two posts to Allison… She was grateful 🙂

      Things with EDS have become worse… well, maybe better(??) in that they’ve referred me onto other services, saying that I don’t have an eating disorder.

      I’ve passed the anniversary, now just have to make it through his birthday and Christmas…

      I hope you’re doing ok… I think of you often 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

      • I cannot believe they said you don’t have an ED! Such bull!

        Where did they refer you? Somewhere with less idiots? Ugh!

        I understand needing to be careful about how you think about things so you can function. It’s good to know how to do that.

        With your mother…I guess I feel that there was some kind of thought there because of the mention of eating disorders. I can’t be okay with her sending that to you but I also know that in the past negative talk about her has upset you. So, I won’t keep going on about it.

        I am really glad you gave Allison the posts! The ED isn’t about food and the real cause being talked about is what will help in the end.

        I believe that you are strong enough to get there. You’ve been strong your whole life because you survived.

        • Hi CI,

          I don’t know where they’ve referred me, and to be honest, I’m not sure I care. I have never had any success with working with any of their services, so this is just them shunting me from one department to another. There’s no point in getting angry about it.

          Thanks for the vote of confidence 🙂

          Please take care,
          CG

  3. Hi CG,

    Another well-written piece that has different elements of you. I love the voice. I hope it keeps on, and keeps getting stronger.

    I can’t say too much more than RL or CI have … they are evidence of friends who care, which we need when coping with triggers and mishaps, old and new. Friends who offer good ideas and just good old fashioned support and caring. I’m so glad that you have such friends. There’s a reason for that … it’s you.

    I regularly read what you write and see and hear the pain … but when I read what you write I always also hear integrity and intelligence, sensitivity and caring. I’ve come to really admire and respect that. And I always want to hear more, and get to know you more as a result.

    Please take care,
    Michael

    • Hi Michael,

      Thank you, I hope this voice is heard more often as well…

      You’re right, friends can offer so much, and be so important… Yet, they’re often the first people that I turn away from… I’m thankful that some seem to still be there when I do turn back towards them.

      “get to know you” = being seen = a little scary… But, I do appreciate the thought and sentiment 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

  4. I wanted to add something. I’m really and truly sorry that your wedding wasn’t the beautiful occasion you deserved. No matter how you feel about marriage, you deserved so much better for that day and afterwards.

  5. I am sorry it’s so hard now. It’s already hurting, and you know it.

    I am especially sorry that what your mother sent you was so incredibly triggering. The timing was impeccably bad.

    I would only say something positive, and maybe you won’t want to hear it. But it’s that this anniversary is hard every year but every year I think you learn more. And I think that helps you.

    From my experience, the depths of the eating problems you are in now magnifies and distorts everything around us, past and present. It eats away at hope. There is a way out, though. And I continue to be sure that the effort you have put into yourself (and the desire you have inside all of you to heal) will end up winning the day.

    Thinking of you…

    Paul

    • Hi Paul,

      Yes, it’s hurting… so much more than I thought possible.

      I do believe that we learn from each experience… I’m just not so sure if I’m learning the right things…

      Thank you for the vote of confidence, I appreciate it.

      Thinking of you,
      CG

  6. I’m sorry that you struggle so hard and that the EDS wasn’t any help for you. 😦 I had so hoped, they would be able to support you. This is sad.
    I can’t believe they are now suddenly saying you haven’t an ED. May I ask to which new service they have referred you?

    And the poem from your Mother. I still try to understand why she has sent you this e-mail. I mean, what did she want to achieve with it?
    Holy crow. This is sooooo wrong. Doesn’t she realize what she is doing?? I hope you can tell her someday, how this poem has triggered you.

    I’m glad that you are through this anniversary and for the next difficult date, the birthday from this Ex-***** I’ll send you a suggestion via e-mail. This isn’t suitable for a public blog 🙂
    Thinking of you and take good care
    Warm safe hugs to those who want them (((((CG)))))
    LSC

    • Hi LSC,

      I’m not sure where I’ve been referred… I imagine it will be to do DBT. But, as I’ve been assessed for BPD in the past, and not met the criteria, I’m not sure if I will be accepted into the programme. I do know that I probably won’t hear anything back from them this year, as they have a huge backlog of clients waiting to be seen.

      My mother is unaware of the implications of her actions. It hurts, but that is the way it is.

      Please take care,
      CG

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