I used to define perfection as a set of behaviours that would allow me to be invisible.  I thought that if I was quiet enough; got good enough grades; was plain enough not to attract attention; and so on… then I would be free of abuse.  No matter how hard I tried, I never reached this perfection…  I didn’t realise that it was an impossible goal… Part of me still doesn’t…

During the past few months, I’ve experienced another kind of perfection…

  • Seeing a friend smile, and realising that I am part of the reason why they are smiling.
  • Laughing at a joke over dinner.
  • Watching a brilliant red sunset.
  • Walking on the beach, feeling the cool sea breeze, and tasting the salt in the air.
  • Swimming in the ocean for the first time in over 20 years.
  • Aimlessly walking around shops with a friend.
  • Playing on a park slide at dusk.
  • Talking with a friend over coffee about life, meaning, and reality.

These events were all perfect, not as “events”, but because of how they made me feel – seen, safe, at peace, alive, appreciated, loved, connected, … “worthy” …

None of the events were without problems… The dinner with a friend was a shared pizza, where my slice of pizza was more like the enemy, than food… I felt incredible anxiety on the beach, as I wore a swimsuit for the first time since my weight loss… After the brilliant sunset, I became so disconnected that it created a gaping chasm developed between my friend and I…

There were problems, and some of them were quite big… the thing is, I felt able to explore those problems – either through my own reflections, or talking about it with the people affected.  It became all about that old saying ~ “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters”.  The quote is a bit eye-roll worthy; but, it also seems to hold some truth…  The problems became part of an ongoing conversation – with myself, and others; rather than the anxiety inducing, end-of-the-world events that they sometimes feel.

I’m not sure why things happened like they did…  Was it because of the friend I was with?  My holiday from work? That amorphous thing called “healing”?  Or, was it all of those things, and so much more?  I’m really not sure, and part of me doesn’t want to analyse it too much, in case I decide to make some rules around it all, or negate the positives that I experienced…

The thing is, even with those positives, I’m still struggling… I seem to have drifted through the last four months of my life, with little awareness of anything going on around me.  Yet, within those four months, I had these amazing experiences of connection…  It makes no sense, and total sense…

I wonder if the connection that I experienced, scared me…  Whether the visit to my home-town and ongoing work stress, has combined to create the need to compartmentalise even more of my life…

It’s funny, in a sad way… I started this post intending for it to be positive; but now, all I feel, is fear…

Now playing: The Fray – You Found Me


8 thoughts on “Perfection…

  1. Really beautiful post, CG. I’m glad you were able to have such wonderful experiences -even though they weren’t perfect. (I want to go swimming in the ocean again too. It’s been more than 20 years for me as well. It makes me smile knowing you did it!) Sending happy thoughts, rl

    • Hi rl,

      But the events were perfect… There were problems, but there were so many good aspects to them… connection, peace, and the big one – safety. That might not meet the classic definition of “perfection”, but it’s a more realistic definition 🙂

      I hope you manage to swim in the ocean again… it was such fun! I don’t think I would have been able to do it alone, but I went with a friend.

      Please take care,

  2. Oh CG! I’m so glad you got to experience these perfect moments! You have no idea how glad I am.

    I think your choice not to over-analyze things is a good one. There could be many reasons why things worked out as they did but the important part is that they did and that you see it. You may have had some disconnects but you were able to really take in these beautiful moments. So awesome!

    The fear is okay too. I think it’s normal after something nice happens. Totally makes sense.

    • Hi CI,

      Thanks 🙂

      I’m trying not to analyse it all too much, and accepting it for what it is/was – a great time 🙂 The fear definitely hit me in a big way… I’m trying to work my way through that too…

      Please take care,

  3. Hi CG,
    your post brought a big smile to my face 🙂 It makes me happy to read what you’ve experienced in a positive way and best of all….. that there is sometimes a feeling of safety…. I’m sure that’s certainly a very unknown feeling.

    but you know what… I think, you forgot one big point in your list of feelings -> that you were very courageous and brave. Just thinking about it: after 20 Years you were swimming in the ocean !!!!! Despite your fears. That is so impressive !! I would never be able to do that (not yet) 🙂

    @rl: I wish with all my heart that you also make it!

    Sending safe hugs to all who want them (((())))

    • Hi LSC,

      Thank you 🙂 I think I surprised my friend when I went swimming as well… They knew of my fears, but it felt really good walking into the ocean knowing that they were beside me…

      I really hope that one day you will feel that safety…

      Please take care, and with (((warm safe hugs, to those who want them)))

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