Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: December edition

Welcome to the December edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is a monthly event. Its purpose is to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse. All forms of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, verbal) are discussed.

Here are the submissions for this month…

Theme – reflect back on the year, and look for the positives that have occurred.

Tracie over at From Tracie presents Hope Fills my Life
Tracie writes: “Recently I wrote about the positives and the really great changes I have seen in my life this year. It doesn’t mean I don’t come up against problems and struggle (because I do!), but I am learning to hold onto hope in the midst of those situations and it is making a huge difference.”

Kate from Kate is Rising presents This Year In Healing
Kate writes: “Healing is the most important thing to me and the most important thing in my life. It was wonderful to write this post about my process of healing this last year. It has made me realize how far I have come and how proud I am of myself. It reminds me of how much healing work and living life so many other survivors have done this past year and I am so proud of them as well.”

buckwheatsrisk from behindthemaskofabuse presents Nature’s Gifts

Kerro from Kerro’s Korner presents Reflections on 2012

Paul from Mind Parts presents Sandy Hook Elementary
Paul writes: “I was able to and needed to reflect only on the past week…”

castorgirl from Scattered Pieces presents Positives within the chaos
castorgirl writes: “I struggle with this time of year, and have a habit of only seeing the negatives, so thought I’d write about how there is still the potential for healing, even when in the midst of the chaos.”

Advocacy and Awareness

Ginger G from Get the Lid OFF! presents My Scarlet Letter ~ Forever Scars
Ginger G writes: “These thoughts and feelings express the on-going life impacting results of abuse. By sharing the post and the related affects (the scars that last a lifetime), my intention is to raise awareness to the impact abuse has on a single life. Forever Scars sums up that impact.”

Healing and Therapy

Jackie from Jackie Shaw Ministries presents I Refuse To Do It For Him

Kate from Kate is Rising presents Holiday Coping
Kate writes: “I wanted to submit my Holiday Coping resource page once again. On the page are links to many articles that I have found helpful and healing through the holiday season. I hope that it can be a resource for others as well.”

Poetry

buckwheatsrisk from BuckWheatsRisk presents I Am Shards…
buckwheatsrisk writes: “This is a poem with a positive spin so it could be part of your theme as well.”

Survivor Stories

Tracie over at From Tracie presents Child Alone
Tracie writes: “This is a review of Sherry Green’s memoir Child Alone. It is a powerful story of surviving child abuse and healing.”

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The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse provides an opportunity to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse and to share important posts with others who might not be frequent readers of an author’s blog. There are so many wonderful bloggers who are contributing to the cause of ending and recovering from child abuse. If you, as a reader or author, know of other blogs that you find helpful, please encourage them to submit to an upcoming issue of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse so we can continue to receive high quality submissions from a wide swath of bloggers.

Many thanks to those of you who contributed to the carnival, and to those of you who read the submissions and show your support.

To provide another way for you to stay in contact with the blog carnival, and make sure you don’t miss any updates, there is a Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse Facebook Page.

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Positives within the chaos

This year, one of my constant refrains has been about not being connected – to myself, and others. This lack of connection has been most glaringly evident in the minimal activity on this blog; withdrawing from my online network of friends; and my disordered eating. I consider all of these things symptoms, because they are outward signs of the internal turmoil that I’ve been experiencing. The problem is that the symptoms – especially the disordered eating, has become so all-consuming and dysfunctional, that it is easy to use it as a distraction…

I use the word “distraction” cautiously here, because in many ways it has distracted me from the real issues that I am facing… but, in other ways, the dysfunctions tell their own story about my past and present.

Through my disordered eating, I’ve learned how I felt abandoned in the past – by others and myself; massive amounts of confusion about my life and it’s meaning; isolation; and feeling so dirty that I doubt that I will ever be clean, good, or “healed”.

I’ve also learned about many of my fears… fears of being seen; being invisible; doing damage through the disordered eating; and not doing enough damage through the disordered eating… There are always so many contradictions… I used to get lost within these contradictions, and become so overwhelmed by them, that I would turn away from trying to understand what was happening… but now, I’m beginning to see the meanings inherent within them…

Those contradictions hold so many truths about my past. They revolve around issues that are hallmarks of a dysfunctional childhood (abandonment, perfectionism, disconnection, etc); yet, they are being enacted out because I am so very fearful of what I’ll see when I really look at my past, and it’s impact on me in the present…

This fear has been ramping up over the past year, and coincides with an increased awareness of the emotional impact that my past has had on me. It seems as if the closer I come to connecting with the emotions, the more dysfunctional my present day behaviours become. This became obvious when I was showing Allison some of my art… her comment was that the extreme pain that was evident in the artwork, was not being seen in therapy, or any other area of my life… except my dysfunctional behaviours.

It feels as if there’s a cycle happening – I’m terrified of giving a voice to those emotions… which leads to the required emotional outlet being shown in dysfunctional behaviours… which causes confusion, desperation and resentment… which means that I again turn away from the emotions… and so the cycle begins again.

The thing is, I know that healing happens within an emotional context… but, I know that on an intellectual level. I find it difficult to transform that knowledge into practice. Despite this, there have been connections made… I’ve started to take photos again, renewed my efforts to draw, and sometimes have been able to understand the impact of my dysfunctional behaviour through the eyes of people who care about me. This last one is possibly the hardest to cope with, but also the most vital… it’s easy to get lost within dysfunction, and lose touch with the reality of the impact those behaviours have on myself, and those around me. But then, I see the look on a friends face when I tell them the results of my blood tests… My cynical co-worker asks what she can do to help me with my eating… These are reminders that I’m not as invisible as I’d like to think I am, and that my actions have consequences.

It may not seem it, but this realisation is possibly the biggest healing step that I’ve made in a long time. I grew up with the idea that if I was only invisible, then things would be perfect… I would be safe from harm, and no one would miss me if I was gone. That idea has been challenged on several fronts… one of the most noticeable can be summed up in a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. ~

Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.

I’m now trying to navigate a world where many of my core beliefs are being challenged… I’m not invisible, and my actions do have the potential to affect others… There is a huge discomfort in that knowledge… but, it’s also healing. I’m no longer that awkward kid that the teachers turned away from when things were obviously wrong… Instead, I am able to make choices that were denied me when I was that awkward kid… Positive choices…

Positive choices, like going to the zoo and taking a photo of a Spider Monkey whose body language mirrored my own…

Spider Monkey

In all of the chaos that has eventuated this year, it’s been easy to forget the things that have helped… Connections matter, no matter how fleeting they are… so a moment of connection to the external world through my camera is huge… it gives me a voice, an outlet, and lessens the sense of isolation that I seem to foster at times. It’s been a difficult year on so many levels, but also a good one on so many levels… yet another contradiction that I’m learning to live with, and understand a little more.

As a note, this post is for the December edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse… There is still time to submit a post of your own, just fill in this form.

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Now playing: Dave Dobbyn – Welcome Home

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: Calling for submissions

Welcome to the December edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

What is a Blog Carnival?
It’s a gathering of blog posts and resources aimed at a particular topic – in this instance, the carnival is to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse. All forms of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, verbal) are discussed.

Why should I submit to, or read the Blog Carnival?
The carnival can help you feel part of a larger community… Reading the submissions can help you feel less alone, validate your experiences, and help you find new blogs to read.

Carnival theme:

I’m always a little wary of themes… not because they aren’t good at bringing a focus to the Blog Carnival, but because I suffer all sorts of anxiety about whether what I think of submitting really “fits” the theme according to others.  So yes, very much my own issues hanging out and having a party here…

Saying that, if you want to submit to a theme, consider reflecting back on the year and looking for the positives that you’ve experienced – whether that be in healing, your personal life, etc.

I’ve put forward this theme, as I really struggle with this time of year, and often forget the positives that I’ve experienced as the maelstrom that is the end of year, envelopes me. So, anything that we can do to help ground us has got to be good… But, I know that if I read the theme, my initial reaction might be “nothing good has happened…” However, I also know that throughout a year, there is some good there – whether it be finding a moment of quiet while looking at nature, making a connection within therapy, seeing the smile on a child’s face, etc.  Please note that the theme isn’t an attempt to discount the struggles that we experience throughout the year, so feel free to place those positives within the context of the rest of your life…

In addition to the theme, all of our regular categories will be open, so please don’t be put off submitting something if you don’t want to address the theme…

Regular categories:

  • Advocacy and Awareness
  • Aftermath
  • Healing and Therapy
  • In the News
  • Poetry
  • Survivor Stories
  • Art Therapy

The deadline for submissions is 19 December, and the blog carnival will be posted here on the 20th. You can submit something written especially for this edition, but please feel free to submit an older post as well.

To submit a blog post, please fill out this form.

Losing the illusion of control

Please note that this post will discuss self-injury and disordered eating.

Control is a tough subject for many survivors of abuse… I desperately search for control, as it feels as if my life has been so out of my control for most of my life. As I grew up, I thought that if I could just get control of things and make everything perfect, then the abuse would stop. In my world, control and safety became intertwined… if I had control, then I would be safe… but, I could never gain the level of control needed…

I’ve often thought that my disordered eating has been about control… this is supported by the inner dialogue that accompanies it – an inner dialogue that has mentioned traits such as strength and cleanliness. But, the events of the last week have shown me how little control I have regarding my eating…

It started last Thursday, and was triggered by a number of stressors… extra workload; a minor conflict with a co-worker; November 18 is my ex-husband’s birthday; and a psychiatric assessment with the Community Mental Health Services (CMHS) on November 20… All of this left me feeling overwhelmed, and as if there was no way to escape. It also coincided with the idea that my weight was now “ok”, that I didn’t really need to lose any more, and that I needed to start stabilising. This last thought about my weight was seen as “weak” and a threat against the drive to control things through the weight loss, and towards the “end number” that comes from the disordered eating thinking… So, in what I now consider to be an addictive, self-injurous move; I started to binge.

I became obsessed with food. Periods between binges were consumed with planning the next episode… I binged at work… I binged with the curtains pulled… It felt so shameful and disgusting; but, this is what I thought I deserved… what I needed…

Looking back, it all seems so surreal. I can see some of the actions as making sense – as a response to the stress… but, so much of it was senseless.

I mention that there was a self-injurous aspect to it, and this was evident in the foods chosen… all of them were ones that were previously seen as “treats”. It was this “treat” aspect of the bingeing that gave me a clue as to the motivations behind it… As part of my early experiences of abuse, I was often given a treat afterwards for being a “good girl”. These treats were usually food. The treats were given to one in the system who was/is unaware of the abuse, so they were always accepted with a smile… Meanwhile the ones who had just experienced the abuse were there, watching the treats being gladly received…

This negative aspect of being given treats and presents is one that I’ve mentioned in therapy before… But, I only talked about it in a detached way, and only from the perspective of how “awful” it was to be given treats after the abuse… What I failed to talk about, or even acknowledge; was that in order for the treat to be given, something horrific happened before it. I failed to connect those dots in a meaningful way. I’m still not sure that I really have connected the dots… but, I’m more aware of them. I’m more aware of the ones within the system who hold the abuse…

I don’t think it’s any co-incidence that the final act of bingeing happened with potato chips and raspberry fizzy drink… It was like a final assault, and it worked…

On Tuesday things began to shift… I stooped to what I considered a new low, when I binged at work. Then, by Wednesday there was starting to be more internal communication about the bingeing. Since the previous Thursday I hadn’t been out walking, but decided to make an internal agreement… if I finished the walk by 11pm then another episode of binging was going to be allowed; but, if it was after 11pm, then I would draw.

The walk was “interesting”… internal chaos, at times walking faster to try to beat the 11pm deadline, at times walking slowly to make sure that the deadline passed…

I arrived home right on 11pm. It was agreed that this meant that 11pm on the dot had passed, and therefore drawing was the agreed upon plan of coping…

Abstract drawing

It’s been so long since I’ve drawn anything! I always think of it as being too messy, and pass judgements about my ability… I forget about how connecting and emotional it is…

On Thursday there was still a desire to binge, but instead I went out and took photos… meaningful, healing photos…

Ones representing direction…

Direction

Others representing the system…

Roses

It was emotional, positive, and what I needed to try to ground myself in the present. I’d become so immersed in flashbacks, that I’d lost all track of time, place, and location… These seemingly simple acts of creative expression eased that feeling… It was hard work, but worth it.

It’s now three days since I last binged. The desire is still there, but it’s manageable… The problem, is that the weight gained by the bingeing has ramped up the need for my weight to keep dropping… In the space of a week, I’ve gone from thinking that I might be able to ease the weight loss to a maintenance level, to having weight loss goals again. I know that this was going to be a possible reaction, but I still feel at a loss as to what to do…

So yes, the illusion that I had control over my eating, has been destroyed…

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Now playing: Brooke Fraser – Scarlet

Power of shame

I live a shame based existence… the shame that I carry impacts on every aspect of my life.  I say that I “carry” shame, but that’s not quite right… I don’t carry the shame, it walks beside me… crowds my thoughts and actions… looms over me… drives my actions… fills my being… it is me… I am it.

I’ve always had difficulty understanding what shame is… All I knew was that I hated myself; but I thought that was because of my shyness, and low self-esteem.  In some ways, it’s about my perception regarding acceptability of the terms… in some sort of odd way, I thought it was “better” to hate myself, than to feel ashamed.  All you have to do is look at the talk surrounding shame, in order to get the idea that it’s not a positive thing… The Wikipedia entry on Shame mentions words like dishonour, embarrassment, humiliation, chagrin, etc; while the types of shame listed include “secret shame” and “toxic shame”…  Who wants to be part of anything that sounds so negative and dramatic?  Whereas self-hatred, and low self-esteem sound pretty bad; but, for some reason, I didn’t link them with so much negativity… possibly, I didn’t link them with the abuse that I have experienced, and considered them part of my personality, which would have been present, whether there was abuse, or not.

What I didn’t realise, is how closely shame is linked to the shyness and self-hatred.  In reality, they are just another manifestation of shame.  The self-hatred acts as a shameful check on my behaviour, while the shyness tries to hide the shame and self-hatred from the rest of the world… So, it’s all interlinked, and has become a pattern of being that’s developed over time.  It can both be incredibly logical; and yet, totally illogical.  In my moments of functional clarity, I wonder what I’m ashamed of… I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?  But then, the denial slips, and the shame hits like a tidal-wave.  I’m not sure that I can really describe how the shame “feels”; but, I can describe a recent example of how it caused a dysfunctional reaction that was off the scale in reaction to a situation…

As a warning, this mentions Halloween.

In New Zealand we’ve slowly adopted some of the American events such a Halloween.  They’re not big, but there’s usually decorations in the stores, and trick or treaters who roam the neighbourhood on the night.  In the 10 years that I’ve lived in my current accommodation, there have probably been less that five visits from trick or treaters… so, not a big deal.  This year, for some reason, I became excited at the idea of possibility of handing out sweets… I think as part of my current eating disordered behaviour – I can hand out the sweets, but not eat any of them. I had them in the house for days leading up to Halloween as a type of  punishment, and taunt.

On the night, I was both scared and a young kind of excited… I wanted to see the children having fun, and smiling… I wanted acceptance within the community…

But, no trick or treaters knocked on my door.  As the night wore on, the internal voices of self-hatred and shame, amplified… the main message was that everyone in the world knew how crazy I was, and therefore didn’t want their children to take lollies from the “crazy woman in that house”.

As the internal talk of hatred became more intense, there was a drive to punish myself for being so crazy that no one wanted to go anywhere near me…  The method of punishment? Well, that was easy…  There was this nice big bowl of food that I’d been punishing myself with for the last week… why not make the most of it?

So I did…

I had never understood how violent, and self-abusive eating disorders were, until now.  I look back on what happened with a stunned, rather hollow feeling.  Did I really say those things to/about myself?  Did I really do those actions?  It all seems so surreal now.  But, I know it happened…

Another layer of shame…

Shame… such a simple looking word, yet it is so very powerful.  It can destroy you… totally and utterly destroy you.  It comes from within, so knows which buttons to push to play with your head and emotions.  Once it starts, it’s almost impossible to reality check back into any sort of reasonable context.

Last night, it reared its head again… I found I’d been unfriended on a social network by someone I thought was a friend; and found out through a public forum something that in the past the person involved would have talked with me about, but didn’t…  That was enough for the messages about the world seeing my craziness to kick in again.  I went for a hard, fast, punishing walk as a result… but encountered so many people, that I was constantly panicking.

When I returned home, I had to comfort my mother, who had lost a good friend earlier in the day… always those demands to care for others… make sure that others are ok… make sure they see the socially acceptable me, rather than the well of darkness, evil and shame that I truly am…

I described some of this to a shocked Alison on Monday… she had no idea how extreme my self-hatred was.  She asked me to do something interesting… to put aside the shame, and self-hatred for a second to see what would happen… I tried, and memories and images came flooding through…  So, it seems as if my shame and self-hatred has a protective element to it.  They help keep me “safe” from the overwhelming aspects of my past… I honestly don’t know which is worse.

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Now playing: Seether – Remedy

My world is crashing in on me

My world is crashing in on me, and no one sees. That’s ok, because I am one of many.

My world is crashing in on me, and no one sees. That’s wrong, because I am a person, and people are meant to matter.

Nine years ago today I wore red as I walked out the door to get married.  My future mother-in-law could barely contain her scorn at my attire.  I didn’t wear red by deliberate choice, but when you leave the preparations for the wedding until the day before, you get what you can.

Memories of the wedding are sketchy, at best.  We had a picnic the day before the wedding with the mother and two friends.  We did this because we were expecting my future husbands family to ruin the wedding day… they did.  One thing I remember clearly, is when the small gathering threw rose petals over us after the toasts, none of the petals went into my drink; so my mother-in-law picked some up off the ground, threw them into my glass, and made a smart comment about that being better.

Many weddings are about the expectations of the bride… mine were of dread.  In many ways, the wedding was not my own… my sister-in-law has such a dominating personality, that she overshadowed everything – my hair, the photography, directing people around, etc.  The sister, whom I hadn’t communicated with in over ten years passed sarcastic comments onto the mother about her not receiving a wedding invitation… yes, there was the double whammy of her sarcasm, and the mother’s need to inform me of that sarcasm… My future in-laws played games regarding whether they were going to attend, or not.  They only came because their other son paid for the entire trip.  Then on the day, my mother decided that her outfit was too similar to my only invited friends, so I had to help her find an alternative to wear…  Many of these things are run-of-the-mill issues associated with wedding days; but, they increased my anxiety, and therefore levels of dissociation.

The drama didn’t end at the ceremony, but continued through to mix-ups with the billing of the hotel room for the wedding night… We met several very nice police that day…

Did I mention that I didn’t want to get married?  I didn’t.  The only reason the marriage happened, is because he needed to marry.  He needed that security.  Later, as the marriage was falling apart, he often said that if we separated that it would be the end of us both… that I would commit suicide, and that he would be devastated with grief as he returned to the comfort of my mother – note, that he was wanting to gain comfort from my mother, not his.  That sentiment alone indicates his level of dysfunction, pain and confusion…

Marriage was never my thing.  During school, when introduced to the concept of debating, I was on the affirmative team arguing that marriage was an outdated institution.  It was rather amusing, as we drew a picture of marriage as a physical institution… the teacher changed the wording for the debate the following year.  We did get an A though…

I’ve usually seen marriage as a tie to someone who would hurt you.  My marriage didn’t dissuade me from that opinion.  Saying that, I have seen happy marriages… marriages where a combination of compatibility, hard work, and a variety of other factors, have meant that everyone involved has grown in positive ways…  At times, I wish I had that… But, I know I’m too broken for such things.

So yes, my world in crashing in on me… I have failed to work with Eating Disorder Services because I couldn’t meet the directives they established… I have failed at creating any sort of working relationship with my new team leader, and am now building a reputation as being difficult within the workplace… My continual poor communication skills have resulted in my withdrawal from my support system, and causing hurt to those who have braved staying around… Allison is left in the dark as to the reasoning for my behaviour, as I continue to withdraw and become less communicative… Then, earlier this week, the final straw, this chain email from the mother…

I remember the cheese of my childhood,
and the bread that we cut with a knife,
when the children helped with the housework,
and the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed an ice chest,
and the bread was so crusty and hot,
the children were seldom unhappy
and the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the billy,
with the yummy cream on the top,
our dinner came hot from the oven,
and not from the fridge in the shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
they didn’t need money for kicks,
just a game with our mates in the paddock,
and sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
where a pen’orth of lollies was sold
do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic,
or is it….I’m just getting old?

I remember when the loo was the dunny,
and the pan man came in the night,
it wasn’t the least bit funny
going out the back with no light.

The interesting items we perused,
from the newspapers cut into squares,
and hung on a peg in the outhouse,
it took little to keep us amused.

The clothes were boiled in the copper,
with plenty of rich foamy suds
but the ironing seemed never ending
as Mum pressed everyone’s duds

I remember the slap on my backside,
and the taste of soap if I swore
anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
and we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
or our initiative was destroyed
we ate what was put on the table
and I think life was better enjoyed.

I realise that she is reminiscing about her childhood… But, she also knows that I experienced sexual abuse within the environment that this poem glorifies… Oh, and yeah, she knows about my eating disorder too…  The irony is that her childhood wasn’t perfect… if it was, she wouldn’t be this unaware of the potential impact of this poem on me…

So yes, my world in crashing in on me…  Oddly enough, I don’t think it’s going to hurt.

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Now playing: Audioslave – Doesn’t remind me

Purple Death

Distraction… that’s all I’m about lately.  Distract from the reality of my experience, and the emotions it generates.  One simple example of this, is that after I wrote the title of this post, I immediately started looking at the prices of slow cookers… To put that into context, I don’t cook.  So yes, distraction has become a way of life…  But, to distract from what?  That’s the million dollar question…

I’ve started to get hints as to what the distraction is about… Early last year, I experienced a long period of intense suicidal ideation and intent.  While feeling a constant level of ideation is not unusual for me, there were significant changes in how it was addressed… When I reached out for help, there were consequences in the form of being placed in the Police holding cells as part of suicide assessment procedures; in a separate incident, I was subjected to a rather traumatic psychiatric assessment; and there was also the ACC privacy breach.  These incidents had a profound effect on me… the most dramatic being that I stopped seeking help.

This may seem counter-intuitive; but, my trust was shaken, and all I could see were the negative consequences of asking for help.  As I struggle with asking for help anyway, these incidents were fodder to that old belief system that no one is to be trusted, and that I have to do this alone.  Practically, this has been shown by the less frequent posts here, less frequent communication with Allison via email, withdrawing from friends and family, etc…

This withdrawal becomes a habit that snowballs so easily… it’s fed by my anxieties and my already isolated existence.  Also, if I’m withdrawing from everyone, then I don’t need to talk about things… I don’t need to face them… I can hide… I can focus on my lack of connection, rather than the reason for the lack of connection… It’s something tangible that I can hold up as a problem to those that I do try to connect with… it’s also easy to explain away when someone asks me why I’ve been more distant…  The line “I’m sorry, it’s nothing personal, I’ve been withdrawing from everything…” has become a bit of a mantra.

But, a distraction from what?

The first hints came a few weeks ago, when I was showing a friend around my house, and showed them an old bottle of Purple Death…  I’ve carried this bottle of alcohol with me for nearly 30 years.  I’ve never had any intention of drinking it; but instead have said that I’m carrying it around because of the funny label…  But, when I look at the origins of that bottle, I doubt that reasoning.  I was given this bottle by one of the sisters boyfriends… a boyfriend whom I idolised, and abused me.

I remember him being charismatic… he seemed so mature to my 10-year-old self.  Looking back, I can see that he was very good at paying just the right amount of attention to me… that is, just the right amount to manipulate the dysfunctional relationship between the sister and I.  He alternated between tolerating me, and showering me with attention.  As I was starved for attention, I lapped it up…

Looking back, I can see his actions fairly clearly… What does me in, is that the mother suspected something was happening between the sister’s boyfriend and I; but, her focus remained on the sister.  The mother knew he was bad for her, and tried to stop the relationship… but, it was all focused on dealing with the sister’s increasing levels of acting out.  Any concern for me was a very distant afterthought… I was the “good one” after all…

It is this dynamic that I often return to when I look at the past… all concern for me was swept aside by the worries for the more dysfunctional members of the family.  When I look at the sisters behaviour, I can understand that intellectually… she was quick to adopt a sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll existence.  But, it also generates a “what about me” feeling… I feel so pathetic and attention seeking writing that sentence… Like I’m whining, and just need to get over it already…  But, I also know that the feelings generated by that dynamic and message, have major impacts on my life now.  It taught me that others are more important than me; that people can, and should hurt me without consequence; and that I am worthless… the ultimate mistake at the end.

The shame associated with this dynamic are immense… But, there’s also anger… How can someone chose one child over another?  What drives that decision?  The sister was already acting out, so what would the consequences have been if the mother had chosen to protect me?  Just… WHY???

I said that there was shame and anger… well, there’s also sadness.  Sadness for that little girl who was so starved for positive attention, that she willingly went to an abuser…  Describes both the sister and I, doesn’t it?

Sad.

As for the bottle of Purple Death… I threw it into the trash on Monday.  If only the emotions and memories were as easily discarded…

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Now playing: Powderfinger – My Happiness